The Joke Thread

Diary of a puppy and a kitty

Excerpt from a dog's diary...

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpt from a cat's diary …

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

 

lol brilliant @Jenn

 

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's se x drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

 

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told the students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention
**********************************************************************************

 

Figured this was suitable for a fish forum

 

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!
I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..The fence was to high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on, I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14..

 

Take the candiru, for example. It’s a wee South
American catfish that looks like a five-inch-long eel. It
likes nothing better than minding its own business.
Sure, the candiru feasts on the blood and soft tissues
of other fish by swimming into their gills. But who are
we to judge?
One scientist studying the candiru learned just
how much it likes blood. The scientist was standing in
a river, and the fishy dove into a little cut in his skin,
burrowed into it, and headed for an artery. This
scared the heck out of the scientist, who managed to
stop the little troublemaker before it swam into his
heart. Okay, I’ll admit it, that is pretty bad. But wait, it’s
not as frightening as something I just heard about.
Apparently, a man was peeing into the Amazon River
when a candiru swam up his urine stream and . . .
made a home in the place the urine was coming out
of. Ulp. It was days before a surgeon was able to get
the fish out. The man survived, but the candiru ended
up doing some traveling inside him before everything
was said and done

 

Would you like being born in a blister?
That’s how little baby Surinam toads come into the
world. Here’s how it works:
A female Surinam toad releases her eggs into
water, where the male fertilizes them. Using toad
acrobatics, the female manages to get about a
hundred of the fertilized eggs onto her back. And
there they stay!
Over the next few hours, the eggs nest into the
female’s back, and a layer of skin forms over them.
Then during the next few weeks, little toad tadpoles
hatch within these bubbles. When they’re ready, the
baby Surinam hoppers break free of their bubbles
and launch themselves into the world. (Hey, if one
female toad met another female toad from the same
mother, it could say, “You’re my sister from another
blister!”)

 

Remember Me ?

 

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto. Jonannesburg .

He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question."

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly.

Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.

Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent."

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena. You know I am very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother."

 

So what is so funny? Are you implying corruption?









heheheeee!

 

Corruption?
In this country?!

NEVER...!

 

NOPE, just keep it in the family.

Keep a close eye on everything...lol

 

two zeros walk into a bar, they see an eight sitting in the corner.

the one zero says to the other zero: "Hey boet, check how tight that oke's belt is!"

 

No offence to the Brakpan okes, But if you get divorced there you stay Brother and Sister.

 

Husband says to wife: "Your bum looks like a braai stand".

Wife gets offended and goes to sleep.

At night the husband politely asks: "Sweetie, don't you feel like
making love?

Wife says: "Do you expect me to light the braai stand just for a
small piece of wors?

 

The owner of a beautiful, large Rotweiler male was driving in his bakkie with his farm worker beside him. The worker looked back at the dog who, at the time, was licking his balls. He turned to the farmer and said..... "Dis te mooi..... ek wens ek kon dit doen!!!" The Farmer... looking in his rear view mirror commented... " Nee jong, probeer dit net en hy sal jou fokken byt!!!"

 

one liner

Grade 7 was the best 3 years of my life

 

So i walked onto the beach and saw one of my friends, she said she had the coolest bag on the beach. I said no i have a "cooler bag"

 

A national inspector pitches up on a small farm somewhere in the Freestate requesting to do a complete inspection of the farmers property and animals.
After some heated discussion and some real nasty words the farmer agrees but tells the inspector that he CANNOT go into the one camp.

The inspector at once gets upset, pulls out his identification card, shows it to the farmer and says "With this card I can go ANYWHERE I like" and with that he turns around and storms into the camp.

A few minutes later the farmer sees the inspector running thru the camp shouting and screaming with a huge bull coming at him at full speed.

The inspector shouts and waves his arms wildly. When he gets close to the fence the the farmer is standing by he shouts "Help, Heeelp....what can I do?"

The farmer takes another sip of his coffee and shouts back...."quick, show him your card....SHOW him your card"