The Joke Thread

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Faaaaaaaark dude...
How much water did you drink?!'

 

I don't work for them btw so here goes



Mother and her son were flying with

kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.


The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'The boy said, 'Yes she did.'
'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com **always pulls out on time.*And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'

 

These are actual stories…Imagine the doctors admitting to their boo boos with a straight face!!

*

*

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. *

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! *The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI *

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass. *"Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."Submitted by RN no name*

 

love number 7!

 

LETTER OF REJECTION

Dear Sir / Madam

RE: ADVERTISED POSITION: YOUR LETTER OF REJECTION

Thank you for your letter dated 20 November 2010. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.

Therefore I will start work with your company on TUESDAY 1ST OF February 2011 AT 08:00. I look forward to seeing you then. Don't call me I'll call you. "Le tlwaela batho masepa, julle moerskont ". I will come to work, and u will pay me.


Yours .......
Perseverance Maluleka

 

*Man is sitting on a Bus when a Gorgeous Woman Next to him starts Breastfeeding her Baby. The Baby won't take it so She*says''Come on, Eat it all up or I'll *give it to this Nice Man''. *10 Minutes later the Baby still won't Breastfeed so She says again ''Come on Darling, Eat it all up or I'll give it to this Nice Man!'' *To Which the Man Replies ''Listen Lady, cud u make*ur mind up, I*shud have got off 4 Stops Ago''*

 

V.D Merwe

Every Friday evening after work "Van der Merwe" would braai a big, fat juicy steak.

But his neighbours, being Catholic and therefore reluctant to eat meat on Fridays suffered

agonies of temptation as the delicious aroma carried on the evening breeze.



They persuaded the priest to try and convert "Van"... And the priest was successful in doing so.

"Van" attended mass, the priest sprinkled holy water over him and said:

"You were born a Protestant, raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic"



Everybody was delighted, but when Friday night came the wonderful aroma of grilled steak again wafted

over the neighbourhood.

The priest rushed into "Vans" garden just in time to see him clutch a small bottle of water, sprinkling

it over the grilling meat and chanting:

"You was born a cow, you was raised a cow, but you is now a snoek!"

 

I had to share this from another forum

A coloured and a black guy were watching Animal Planet, and it was a show about the great white shark...

The black guy says "This is unfair, why do great things have to be white? Why can't we have a great black shark?"

The coloured guy says," No man, why can't there be a great coloured shark??"
The black turns around amazed and says:

"Shjoe! A shark with no teeth??? That's just wrong!!!


f5.jpg (38.18 KB, 351x600 - viewed 23 times.)

 

When you walk into an office building, how do you know it's an Indian's PC?

1) The PC screen is tinted
2) Instead of their being small PC speakers their's a boom box
3) There are CD's stuck all around the Screen
4) He didn't buy a 30gig hard-drive, he could only get a 29.99.

 

An Indian goes to Woolworths in Australia. He finds cat food at special

prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat

food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could

let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets

to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen

cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat

but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have

dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the

manager to put his hand in the bag..

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and

immediately pulls it out. He shouts * ,

"What the hell! This is sh...t, you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"

 

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

 

This Is mad! Didn't Even know this existed On My BB..try it, it works 1 of the features on ur bb is a thermometer To measure ur body temperature and room temp. Go to home screen and type 6++. DO NOT DIAL. Place on ur forehead for minimum 3seconds Then to know the temperature press L.

 

Try it in your tank - that works too

 

A guy knocked on my door 2day askin 4a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I gave a cup of water Is that wrong?

 

This was taking off a FB group called " You've got something on your chin. No, the other chin"

Made my day reading through some of the comments, thought i would share this.

 

Sharks Rugby Team Fitness Test:

Coach: "Are you fit?"
Player: "Yes."
Coach: "Ok, you in the team. Can you play prop?"
Player: "I think so coach."
Coach: "Ok, we'll try you in that position and see how it works out for us."

 

And he is the catain of the Springboks, eina.

 

Terrorist walks into a pet shop, shouting, everyone one out! I give you thirty seconds, then I blow the place up. Everybody flees, animals , the lot, with the tortoise shouting from the back of the shop, "Jou Bliksem"!

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

old Van, Brit and American's car breaks down in the middle of the dessert and they decide to each take a part of the car and start walking.

The Brit takes the radiator and when asked why he explains "if I get thirsty i could drink the water"

the American takes the hood and when asked why he says "i can hide under it from the sun, sleep under it at night and use it to slide down steep slopes faster"

old Van takes of the door and starts walking.

The other two watch him and decide to ask the question in any case.

Van replies " Well if it gets to hot I can always turn down the window"