The Joke Thread

Rose: I think your Corvette is stupid. Everyone knows the McLaren F1's where it's at.
Rob: You suck.
Rose: You swallow.
Rob: You spit.
Rose: Every time.
Innocent bystander: ...On auto-erotica

 

A man boards an aircraft at JFK Airport in New York, bound for Paris. As he takes his first class seat and settles down, he notices that a very beautiful long legged woman wearing a very short mini skirt has just entered the plane. Then he realizes that she is heading straight towards the open seat next to him. Excitedly he says to himself, "Bingo".
Most eager to strike up a conversation with this Babe as soon as she is seated, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles enchantingly and says, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Paris."

He swallows hard, struggling to maintain his composure and calmness, and asks, "what's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responds. "I use my vast sexual experience to debunk some of the popular myths about male sexuality."

"Really," he smiles, "What myths my those be?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the American Red Indian who possess this trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Indian descent. We have also found that the best potential male lovers in all categories happen to be South African Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman becomes all embarrassed, uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you when I don't even know your name".

"Running Bear," the man says, "Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie".

 

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” Again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. Next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question.” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls bouncing to the front of the room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday!”

 

Classic!

 

Enjoyed reading this:http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php/296563-Where-to-get-replica-watches-in-SA

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair, shoot her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to shoot her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, spattered with blood and wiping sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them!

 

Tell me why…

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of rands in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat
!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'


'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

 

@riyadh ... +1 Dude... Its a CLASSIC!!!

 

Love it! Had a good laugh!

 

Just read it to my sister... she was in tears!

 

A blond pushes her BMW into a service station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

 

The Bear and the rabbit is catching a bos-k@k....midway through parking a coil,the bear leans over and asks the rabbit:'Rabbit,do you ever have problems with $h!t sticking to your fur?'
'$h!t sticking to my fur? No ways dude!!' the rabbit says higly indignant...
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes its @$$ with it....

 

love it!

 

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake


Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

 

Brother emailed me this last week. Was good

 

One day**Shaanthi*wanted to bake a cake, but she ran out of eggs.

So she went to her usual grocery store.

As she walked in, the owner, was there and

she asked him for a dozen eggs.

She went back home and baked the cake.

To her surprise the eggs were rotten, so she went back to the store

and this time the owner wasn't there, but his wife was

there..

Shaanthi*approached the wife and said "do you know your man's eggs are

rotten"

The wife, obviously shocked and upset said: "how do you know that my man's

eggs are

rotten?"

Shaanthi*replied,* "come smell my cake

 

hahah sies blixem

 

Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(You know you're laughing...)

 

hehehehe good one Ashley love those translation jokes