The Joke Thread

Q:How do you piss off an emo kid

A: Buy him a Happy meal....

and:

Ons was so arm toe ek n kind was,my ma het ons maak k@k op die voortuin se grasperk sodat die diewe kon dink ons het honde.....

 

DOGGY PROBLEM


*


An *elderly lady offered to watch her neighbors' dog while the neighbors went on vacation.***The problem was that the spinster's own dog was in 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and was *able to keep*the two dogs apart.As she lay in *her bed drifting off to sleep that evening she was suddenly awakened by *howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed down*to find the *dogs locked together, and unable to disengage.Try as she *might she could not part them and became perplexed as what to do *next.Though it was *late, she reluctantly phoned her vet and after a few rings the rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.After the *spinster explained the problem, the vet said, "I want you to take the *phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone *your number back and the telephone ringing noise should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw.""Oh," Said the *spinster. "Do you think that will work?""Well," The *vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME *!!!"

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

 

WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
   Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
   Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
   Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
   Woman: "No, thank you."
   Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
   Woman: "It's in the phone book."
   Man: "But I don't know your name."
   Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
   Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
   Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
    Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!."
The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

 

zebra pleco, don't you have any more tazer stories, i could do with a laugh-til-i-cry session..?

 

Apple have scrapped their plans for a new children's iPod. Apparently "iTouch Kids" was not a very appropriate name.

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

---------- Post added at 05:10 ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 ----------

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

 

Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.' The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.' The Zimbabweans replied, 'Long ago a man died here (JESUS) , was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

 

whats worse than finding a worm in your apple??

FINDING HALF A WORM IN YOUR APPLE!

 

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..



Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.



Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: 'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl
and got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking: 'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to
kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking: 'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me,
but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: 'If this train goes through another tunnel,
I could make another kissing sound and moer that Aussie again!'

 

Ek’s nou so gerattle........


Nou net 'n blond in die poskantoor gesien skree op 'n koevert,


toe ek haar vra wat sy doen, toe sê sy, sy stuur 'n voicemail!

 

Two naughty boys, Larry and Tom, stole a bag of oranges from their home
and decided to go to the nearest cemetery to share the loot. As they are
scaling the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the
bag and are left behind at the gate A heavily drunk man on his way from
a local tavern passes near the cemetery Gate and hears the following:
One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. He immediately sobers
up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest. Pastor Come with me
to witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery. They both run
back to the cemetery gate and the voices continue: One for me, one for
you. Suddenly the one voice says: What about the two at the gate?

The priest was the first to run for his life!

 

Did He or Did He Not?

 

He's going to.

 

A guy lays but naked on a nude beach getting a tan when all of a sudden a little girl comes and asks him whats between your legs?He replies its a bird now leave me alone and don't play with it!He fell asleep and then he woke up in hospital with excruciating groin pain.The little girl is next him and says Sorry sir.He asks her what did you do with my bird?She replies I played with it,then it vomited in my face so I broke it's neck,crushed it's eggs and set its nest of fire.



An interesting fact:
Poler bears are the only animals on earth wich has a bone in its pennis

 

This canibal is walking thru the forest and comes across his mate bawling his eyes out next to a big pile of poo..."What's wrong?" He asks...
"I just dumped my girlfriend",his mate replies...

 

Two men walk into a pet shop and go over to the bird section.
Sonnyboy says to Umfan, "Dat's dem." The clerk asks if he can help them. "Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side," says Umfan. "Put beds in a pepa bag pleez, baas!"

The two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Sonnyboy's van and drive until they are high up on the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. Sonnyboy takes the birds out of the bag, places 2 on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Umfan watches as Sonnyboy goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Umfan looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Haibo, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."

A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and carries the familiar 'pepa bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag and is carrying a gun in his other hand.

"Heita, Umfan. Watch dis." Philemon says, and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Umfan watches as half way down, Philemon takes the gun, blows the parrot's head off, and continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Sonnyboy's remains at the bottom.

Umfan shakes his head and says, "Eish baba, me is never tryin' dat parrotshooting nider."

After a few minutes, Goodman strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepa bag'.

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.

Once more Umfan shakes his head. "Hauw! First der was Sonnyboy wit his budgie-jumping, den Philemon parrotshooting and now Goodman hen-gliding!"

 

Cleva!