The Joke Thread

yep. I am an Idiot too...still smiling....lol

 

If Men Got Pregnant
By: Barney Simon

Things in the world would really change!
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
Men could use their briefcases as nappy bags.
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!

 

0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

ROFLOL!! Poor Bob!!

 

Some of the more bizare/sick jokes that occupy the deeper recesses of that sewer I call my mind....

Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

A: Half a dog....

Q:How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

A: Depends on how hard you throw them....

Q:What is the most apropriate present for a dead toddler?

A:A dead puppy...

Q:What's small,red and sits in a corner?

A:A baby playing with a razor blade....

 

whats the difference between a prostitute and a wife?

prostitute is pay as u go...

and a wife is on contract..

 

this was posted on masa recently

 

hahaha..

 

He Said She Said
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

Hahaha!!

 

This one is not for kids.so kiddies time to go to bed...lol

Chicken, Horse, and BMW​

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

REALY wanted to post this one on the religous thread,but considering the nature of the last few posts - thought i should not be so irreverant:

Q: Have you heard about the Agnostic,dyslexic,insomniac?

- He lay awake in bed at night,wondering wether there realy is a Dog....

PS: @ Fishtroy -> That's where that reference came from...lol

 

Een dag vra Piet vir Jan
Jissie, Jan hoekom het jy so baie kinders?
Jan antwoord: "Ek weet nie wat om te maak nie ek raak al mal van al die
kinders"
Piet: "Nou hoekom gebruik jy nie 'n Kondoom nie?"
Jan: "'n Kondoom?"
Piet: "Ja, 'n Kondoom, Gaan na die winkel toe en vra vir 'n paar Kondome"
Jan gaan winkel toe en daar staan 'n jong Engelse meisie agter die toonbank.
Jan vra: "Mag ek 'n Kondoom kry asseblief?"
Die meisie kyk hom so snaaks aan en se:
"Excuse me sir! could you please speak English"
Jan staan en dink so 'n bietjie, want sy engels is nie so goed nie.
Jan se: "Can I have a CAN DOOM please?"
Die girl sê: "Is it for Flying insects or crawling insects"
Jan antwoord: "No! is for gewone secs!!"

 

@azurekoi

Only saw this now. I don't really get it lol "PS: @ Fishtroy -> That's where that reference came from...lol"

Is this even addressed to me?

 

lol . .

 

Nope, Troyfish - from that PM I sent you bout the tank - something like " thank Dog for...." last week that you laughed about...

So not to wander off topic,here's another:

3 ducks die and go to Hell.....stand in Line @ the gate,waiting to be processed by a little demon with a clipboard....
Demon:"Next!!!" - 1st little duck waddles up - Demon: " Why are you here?"
Duck: " Well,I don't know...I was swimming round this pond...Wap,bang,crash - I'm in Hell"
Demon checks his clipboard for stuff you get sent to Hell for and sez: " Nope,you don't go to Hell for that...Fly up to Heaven..." Little duck flies up to heaven
Demon:"Next!!!" - 2nd little duck waddles up - Demon: " Why are you here?"
Duck: " Well,I don't know...I was swimming round this pond...Wap,bang,crash - I'm in Hell"
Demon checks his clipboard for stuff you get sent to Hell for and sez: " Nope,you don't go to Hell for that...Fly up to Heaven..." Little duck flies up to heaven...
Demon: " Next!!" 3rd little duck minces forward... "Hi,I'm Bubbles...."

 

lol what he's saying is, if he was dyslexic, he'd read your name as Fishtroy and not Troyfish hehehe

 

Yeah mydummyname - you got my little inside joke....warped mind here....

 

Two jokes sent to me from my brother. We a very anti blou bulle family lol.
No offense intended to the team that isn't in the finals due to a full 80min game with no tries....

Joke 1:

The family of Bulls supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.

While at Sportsman's Warehouse, the son picks up a Sharks rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Sharks supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Sharks jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Sharks supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Sharks jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Sharks supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies "I've only been a Sharks supporter for an hour and already I hate you Blue Bulls bastards!!!"


Joke 2:

Peter wants to buy a TV set and is looking for the remote.
The sales agent says: No remote needed- just call out the channel and the TV changes itself.
Peter says: CNN -and the TV changes to CNN.
Peter says: e-TV- and e-tv comes on.
Peter asks: How much does this TV cost. The agent says: R120 000.
Peter says: Kaaaaaaaak
and the TV starts showing highlights of the last 4 Blue Bull games!

 

Another one. Im no hating, its a friday!