The Joke Thread

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse. '

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

For the Ladys of the forum

Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied,
. . . . "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

There are no words to discribe the feeling in my stomach right now!uke:

 

GIRL:I have had sex with 4 boys & you have done it with 10 girls; still everybody calls me a SLUT & calls you a REAL MAN.Please explain for me why??.BOY:...Very simple. When a lock is opened by many keys, it becomes a BAD LOCK. But when a key opens many locks, it becomes a MASTER KEY!

 

Doctor!!!! Doctor!!!!!.... I think I'm shrinking!!!!....

Doctor says:.. Well!... You'll just have to be a little patient!

 

Lol. The most classic of jokes are usually the funniest!

 

Find the nut that's moving

 

216?

Wow my eyes have gone funny!

 

lol oh dear troyfish. really cute though lol.

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling ather.***

Sheimmediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she movedagain.. ***

The man seemedmore amused.**When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she

complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

*

*

The case came up in court.

*

*

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

*

*

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: whenthe lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice hercondition.***

She sat down under a sign that said, 'TheDouble Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.*Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to

smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

**But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

---------- Post added at 06:09 ---------- Previous post was at 06:09 ----------

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN JOHANNESBURG * * * * *THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.
Dear Sir/Madam
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 July 2008 in which for the 3rd
time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to
know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as
possible.
However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only
creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honourable and important as
you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the
names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is
paid immediately.
I hope that yours will come out shortly.
Sincerely Yours,
Sipho
PS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of
your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws

 

Got this off Face Book

 

6 Truths of Life



1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face..



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

 

Me = idiot too!

 

Lol after trying it im like....what BS! Still got that smile on face Nice one!

 

Very good. Rely good

 

what's the difference between a COFFIN and a CONDOM?Although they both carry stiffs,One is used for coming and the other is for going.*



*

*

 

What is the meaning of BIBLE?


B:Basic
I:Instructions
B:Before
L:Leaving
E:Earth

 

Die boer lê en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin lui. Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas, baas, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas." Die boer vra toe "Petrus, Wat is fout?" Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom hier by die plaas." Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus: "Een vannie skape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie." Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter die toonbank, "Verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?" Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n kak bra."