The Joke Thread

Lol good one

 

It's old... but still good:

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ...... you should see the back of mine!!!'

 

Klein dogtertjie stap in Pet shop in tot by toonbank waar die eienaar, 'n ou oom in sy 60's besig is met boekwerk. "Goeiemore Oom.Ek sjoek assjeblief 'n Hasie" Die Oom glimlag en vra vir die dogtertjie -"En watse Hasie soek jy? Soek jy 'n wit hasie of 'n swart hasie of dalk 'n pienk hasie?" Die dogtertjie kyk fronsend na die oom en sè- "Ag Oom, ek dink nie my Luisjlang gee 'n f@k om watse kleur hy isi!"

 

Dumb joke a head, you have been warned:

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

Duties of Wives*Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.**

*

Terry had married a woman from*Greece*.*He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.Jimmie had married a woman from*Italy*.He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.Theo had married a South African girl.

*

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

 

A Cape Flats Coloured, a Bellville Whitey
and a Durban Indian are in a restaurant. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He looks so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They
stare and stare, until suddenly the Coloured twigs:"My God,
it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus . Thrilled, they
club in and send him over the best chow on the menu. Jesus accepts the
food, smiles over at the three men, and starts eating. After
he's finished eating, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the
hand of the Durban Indian and shakes it, thanking him for the
food. When he lets go, the Indian gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a
miracle!" Jesus then also shakes the White`s hand, thanking him
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Its true mate!!, the
bad back I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a
miracle!" Jesus then approaches the Coloured who knocks over a
chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of
God. "What's wrong?" asks Jesus. The Coloured
shouts, "Djy raakie aan my nie, I'm on disability!!!

 

THREE ROSES

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.' :bigsmile::laugh::nuts:

 

Wa ha ha ha lmao

 

Author anannomous for obvious reason...

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Stormers supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty

 

J We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

 

lol,that was also in the MyBB joke thread...

 

lol i might use some of these on the forum

 

Ha ha ha ha!
I've been on the forum so much this holiday I have a (_*_)!

 

Judge to child: Do you want to live with your mother?
Child: No
Judge: Why?
Child: She beats me.
Judge: Okay, so you want to live with dad?
Child: No
Judge: Why not?
Child: He beats me too.
Judge: So who do you want to live with?
Child: BAFANA BAFANA
Judge: WHY??
Child: They never beat anyone!

 

An old one but still funny

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Johannesburg, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

​

 

Lol 1st time hearing/reading this! Very good!

 

Why We Love Children
>>
>> 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
>> was dead.
>> 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
>> 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
>> innocently.
>> 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
>> 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
>> didn't move'
>>
>> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
>>
>> Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
>> 'What?'
>> 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
>> 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
>> Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
>> 'WHAT?'
>> 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
>> ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
>> Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
>> 'WHAT!'
>> 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
>>
>> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
>> finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
>> The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
>> and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
>> sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
>>
>> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
>> tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
>> asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
>> tonight?'
>> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
>> 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
>> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
>> 'The big sissy.'
>>
>> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>> children's sermon.
>> All the children were invited to come forward.
>> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
>> down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
>> Is it your Easter Dress?'
>> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
>> microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
>>
>> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
>> old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
>> shower.
>> She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
>> I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
>> tummy.'
>> 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
>>
>> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
>>
>> He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
>>
>> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
>> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
>> The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
>> 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
>> 'Yes,' he answered.
>> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
>> teaching my son in math?'
>> The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
>> The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
>> son of a bitch is four?'
>> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
>> was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
>>
>> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
>> Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
>> Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
>> went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
>> falling!'
>> The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
>> farmer said?'
>> One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
>> 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
>> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>>
>> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
>> Sugarbrown's daughter.'
>> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
>> Sugarbrown.'
>> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
>> Sugarbrown's daughter?'
>> She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
>>
>> 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
>>
>> with the boys?'
>> Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
>> too rough.'
>> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
>>
>> If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

 

A little girl comes home excitedly and tell her mother:
"Mom! Mom! When I was walking home from school today, a boy told me he would give me a Marie biscuit if I climbed the pole! So I did!"
The mother frowned and said:
"You musn't do that! The boy wants you to climb the pole so he can see your panties!"

The next day the girl rushes into the house, even happier than before.
"Mommy! That same boy told me that he'd give me THREE Marie biscuits if I climb the pole again! So I did!"
The mother was concerned when she heard this.
"Sweetie, you musn't. All that boy wants to do is see your panties!"

Once more, a very happy girl comes home:
"Mom, the boy said he'd give me a WHOLE pack of Marie biscuits if I climb the pole! So I did, and I got the WHOLE pack of Maries!"
The mom sternly replied:
"I've told you so many times now! He just wants to see your panties!"
The girl smiles and replies:
"I know mommy, I heard you. But I'm smart. I took my panties off."

 

Mpho* is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and
puts
water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having
suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a
French wine that changes colour if you add water).
Mpho as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank
However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.
When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to
nail Mpho as thief!!! At that same moment Mpho realized he was in
trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.
The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today,he will be
obliged
to acknowledge'. So he calls Mpho.
He shouted: ' Mpho!'
Mpho* answered: 'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Mpho from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I
ask you a question you don't answer me?
Mpho retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen
there,
you don't hear anything at all, except the name.
Then to prove that Mpho lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside
Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Mpho
accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.
Mpho shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Mpho '.
Mpho continued:* 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not
here? '.
No answer.
Mpho shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Mpho shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid
pregnant?'
The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Mpho; it is true,
you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything,
only the name!
Good day
*

 

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds overeverybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

[FONT=&quot]Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing' widow."[/FONT]