The Joke Thread

Somethings i picked up on the net now: Marriage

*I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

*At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

*How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free

*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

*A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then
says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'

*A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

*I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery

 

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

 

Tikkie op die Skouer

Die passasier in 'n huurmotor tik die bestuurder op die skouer om hom
iets te vra.

Die bestuurder gil, verloor beheer oor die voertuig, ry amper in 'n bus
vas, jaag oor die sypaadjie en stop millimeters van 'n winkel venster af.
Vir 'n paar oomblikke is alles doodstil. Die drywer sê toe, "Moet dit
asseblief nooit weer doen nie. Ek het my amper doodgeskrik."

Die passasier vra toe om verskoning en sê hy het nie gedink 'n tikkie
op die skouer sou hom so laat skrik nie.

Die bestuurder antwoord toe, "Dit is nie werklik jou fout nie. Vandag
is my eerste dag as huurmotor bestuurder. Vir die laaste 25 jaar het
ek 'n lykswa bestuur!!"


A tap on the shoulder.


A passenger is in a taxi and tap the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver yells and loose control over the vehicle, almost hit a bus,

drive onto the pavement and stop millimeters from a shop window.


For a few seconds everything is dead quiet. The drivers says, "Please
don't ever do that again. I almost killed us."


The passenger says that he is very sorry but didn't thin that a tap
on the shoulder would have given him such a fright.


The driver replies back, "It's not really your mistake, it's just today is
my first day driving a taxi. For the last 25 year I've been driving a
hearse."

 

Gatiep: Gammat, wasse honne het djy?
Gammat: Haskies.
Gatiep: Ek vra wasse honne het jdy man....
Gammat: Haskies!!!!!!!!
Gatiep: Ag f@kof - Djou, dowe donner!

Koos maak 'n ongeluk.
Hy se vir die polisieman: "Ek vermoed die bestuurder van die ander kar is dronk."
Polisieman: "F@k meneer, die ander kar is dan 'n koei.....!"

Mike vra Kallie - Is Portugal ver?
Kallie se nee, hy glo nie, want daar was Portugese saam met hom op skool en hulle het almal
met fietse gery!

Sielkundige vra : Kyk jy vir jou vrou se gesig tydens sex?
"Ek het 1 keer en sy't redelik die moer in gelyk!"
Hoe dan so?
"Sy't by die venster ingeloer......!"

Baas toets blond se wiskunde: "As ek vir jou R5 miljoen minus 10% gee,
hoeveel trek jy af?"
Blond: "Als Meneer!.... Skoene, rok, bra, pantie - ALLES!"

Koos sit in 'n kroeg en bestel 'n dop. Teen die muur sien hy 'n bordjie wat lees:

Kaastoebroodjies: R10.00
Chicken Mayo: R15.00
Draadtrek: R20.00

Hy roep die sexy blonde kroegmeisie nader en vra: 'Is jy die een wat die draadtrek doen?'
'Ja...' antwoord sy terwyl sy haar ogies in Koos se rigting fladder en hom 'n sexy smile gee.

'Nou gaan was jou hande, ek wil 'n f#kken kaastoebroodjie hê...'

 

haha the last joke was a killer and the one about the blonde doing maths .
damn takes me long to read these afrikaans jokes

cheers

 

Sorry Brads, it just don't sound right if translated!

 

FEE FAA

 

Oh no this thread must be marked as Dangerous!!!
My stomach muscles is so sore now.

 

Worldcup2010 Lesson 101 - South African Flag

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]Visitors will ask you this during the World Cup period.


Q: What does the South African flag represent?


Answer:
RED is the SUN , so it's above;
BLUE is the SEA , therefore below;
GREEN is the MONEY in the middle;
BLACK is the MAJORITY on the left center,
WHITE is the MINORITY covering the money
YELLOW is the ELECTRIC FENCE keeping the MAJORITY away from the MONEY!

WELL, IF U DIDN’T KNOW, NOW U KNOW!! DON’T THANK ME, I’M JUST DOING MY BIT FOR 2010!!

 

Ace

Ek ken die joke bietjie anders maar jy hou dit baie diplomaties as jy van die majority praat

Well done

 

This is by far the best Traffic cop joke in years.While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"To which I replied, "I'm late for work."To which he asked, "What do you do?""I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher??"And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot poepol?"To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind A bridge..."Speeding ticket: R250.00Court costs: R1000.00Look on traffic cop's face: P R I C E L E S S . .
*

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news:"I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!""How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman."Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company."What are you saying? It's in your files?????""Absolutely.""Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts."Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.All you have to do is pay us.""PAY you? And if I refuse?""Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off.""And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks."! I don't know.. I guess she'd have to use a candle.""WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT???

 

Dit is Sondag oggend 30 MEI nagmaal in die kerk en die dominee vra:"
Is iemand oorgeslaan met die beker?"
Toe staan al die STORMERS op!
:bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile:

 

From my facebook Profile.LOL

Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style - the husband sit's and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your "(where the sun don't shine)" and go as a toffee apple.

 

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon observed, 'You're all wrong. ANC Youth League Politicians (AKA Julius Malema) are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::top:

 

:rofl: brilliant guido!!!!!! I like!!!! :rofl:

 

four old school friends meet for a braai when one of them goes to the bathroom the other 3 begin to discuss their lives, the first guy says ' i have a son who went to university and graduated with honours he then climbed the corparate ladder and is now doing so well he bought his friend a new sports car' the other two men al agree the first must be very proud of his son.

the second then says ' my son went to aviation school, became a pilot and opened his own airline, he's doing so well he bought his friend his own plane' both other men agree this is very admirable and he must be proud.

the third the says his son went to university,studied engineering and now has his own construction company hes so successful that he built his friend a 30 million rand mansion.

asthe other two are expressing their appreciation the fourth friend comes back and asks what they are talking about, "our sons" says one of his friends, " i have a son" the fourth man replies" he's gay and works in a strip club" his friends al say you must be so disapointed! not really says the fourth guy, his boyfriends have given him a new sports car, a plane and a 30 million rand mansion!

rofl i heard this on tuks fm and it was in afrikaans. i thought it was really good though lol

 

Hehehe I bet the other fathers swallowed their pride after that little comment! Nice one!!!!

 

Don't think this has been posted.

A little boy asks his dad: whats between moms legs?



The father answers: paradise, my son



The kid asks again: whats between your legs?



The father replies: the key to the paradise



The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!