The Joke Thread

very funny

 

a young woman was pulled over for speeding in Nashville Tennesee by a tenesee state trooper, the trooper walked up to her car flicking open his ticket book. when he reached her window the young woman asked, " are you going to sell me a ticket to the Tenesee state trooper ball?" the Trooper replied " ma'am the tenesee state troopers dont have any balls."

there was a moment of silence as he realised what he'd said then he flipped his book closed got back into his patrol car and drove away. the woman was laughing so hard she couldnt start her car :-D

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said "I think its Petry Syndrome." The old man said "You thought.... but you are wrong." Then the other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him "Well, what do you have?" The old man said "I thought it was a FART... but I was WRONG."

 

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

Talking about golf...

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[TD="colspan: 2"] YSLIKE MISVERSTAND
'n Man strompel by die hospitaal in met harsingskudding, verskeie kneuswonde, twee blou oe en 'n vyf-yster golfstok, netjies om sy keel gevou.
Natuurlik wil die dokter weet wat gebeur het.
"Wel," se die man, "ek en my vrou het gholf gespeel, en ons albei het ons houe skeef getrek tussen 'n klomp weiende koeie in.
Terwyl ons na ons balle soek, sien ek een van die koeie het iets wits in haar agterent.
"Ek het nader gestap, haar stert gelig en jou wrintie, daar sit my vrou se gholfbal netjies ingeplant.
"Terwyl ek steeds die koei se stert in die lug hou, het ek vir my vrou geskree:
'Haai liefie, dit lyk soos joune!'

"Ek onthou nie veel van wat daarna gebeur het nie!"
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Chuck Norris is the only person that can drift a horse.

 

BREAKING NEWS:

Chuck Norris died from a ruptured valve in his heart this afternoon at 14h56. But he has recovered fully and was dischargd from the morg this evening.

 

Chuck Norris was bitten by a rattlesnake and after two weeks of excruciatingly agonizing pain the snake finally died.

 

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck can swim on land.

 

Have found one thing Chuck cant do...put a paper bag over his head and ask him to act his way out of it....

 

Found one of these for zoom:

 

Rofl

 

When Chuck gets horny, not even the crack of dawn is safe.

 

Thanks @Rory

 

Not really funny just sad!

Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”
Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”
Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”
Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”
Me: “What did you do, then?”
Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”

Source

 

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be
beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear
in the morning...

 

The drunk goes for a wee and read on the urinal - Shanks-, to which he replies, itsh a pleashure!

 

Paramedic word tydens 'n kragonderbreking geroep na 'n huis waar 'n vrou in kraam is.Daar aangekom is die enigste bron van lig 'n flits wat die 3-jarige Jannie vir hom moet vashou.?Groot oog kyk Jannie na alles tot waar die paramedic die baba aan sy voetjies oplig en sy boudjies hard slaan.?Die paramedic vra, "en wat dink jy hiervan Jannie?".??Jannie antwoord, "die klein donnel moes ni in die eersteplek daar ingekluip het nie, MOEL hom wee!