The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic chat' started by Rory, Sep 22, 2008.

  1. Rory

    Rory Administrator

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    This thread is for all jokes. Please post them all in this thread rather than creating new threads for each one.

    Thanks. :listen:
     
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  3. Zebra Pleco

    Zebra Pleco Administrator

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    Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"

    Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

    So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty
     
  4. ACE007

    ACE007 VA-TI-KA-KI

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
    After having great sex ... She spent the next
    hour just rubbing his testicles ...
    Something she just loved to do.
    As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
    "Why do you love doing that?"
    Because ... She Replied ...
    "I Really Miss Mine"
     
  5. ACE007

    ACE007 VA-TI-KA-KI

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    A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
    "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
    BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
    BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
    BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

    "From now on when I say
    BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
    When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
    And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.

    " The next night he came home from work and yelled
    " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
    When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
    When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.
    After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
    "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
    "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
    YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
     
  6. ACE007

    ACE007 VA-TI-KA-KI

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    'n Man kom by die huis van die werk af, val neer in sy gunsteling stoel, skakel die TV aan en skree vir sy vrou: "Gou, bring vir my 'n bier voor dit begin."

    Sy kyk hom verbaas aan, maar gaan haal vir hom 'n bier.
    Toe hy hom klaar gedrink het sê hy weer, "Bring gou vir my nog een voor dit begin."

    Die keer kyk sy hom kwaai aan, maar gaan haal tog 'n bier.
    Toe die bier ook klaar is sê hy weer, "Bring nog 'n bier, dit gaan amper begin."

    Die keer sê sy: "Jou vark! Jy stap hier in, val op daai stoel neer, groet nie eers nie en verwag ek moet soos jou slaaf rondhardloop. Besef jy nie ek kook, was en stryk heeldag , maak huis skoon en kyk na die kinders vir jou nie?"

    Die man sug: "Daar begin dit nou !!!"
     
  7. Khalid

    Khalid Loricariidae

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    With which of the following names are you not familiar?

    1. Robert Mugabe

    2. Julius Malema

    3. Advocate Barbie

    4. Guiseppe Riccardi

    5. Schabir Shaik

    6. Tiger Woods



    Did you battle a little with number 4?


    Typical!!


    You know all the assholes, sluts, thieves & cheaters, but you don't know who the pope is!
     
  8. TroyFish

    TroyFish

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    Who is 5?

    Hmmm number 3. Met her a few times:eek:
     
  9. Wimpie

    Wimpie

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    Schabir Shaik is Zuma's corrupt buddy
     
  10. TroyFish

    TroyFish

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    I would have never known. Dont really focuse on politics
     
  11. shakester

    shakester

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    lolly jackson - buy one beer ,get fifteen shots for free
     
  12. ACE007

    ACE007 VA-TI-KA-KI

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    On his 78th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The
    certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
    reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
    dysfunction. After some persuasion, the man drove to the reservation, handed

    his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

    The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to
    him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is powerful
    medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say,

    '1-2-3' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been
    in your life and you can perform as long as you want!"

    The elderly man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
    do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4',"
    the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work
    again until the next full moon."

    He was very eager to try it out. When he got home, he shaved, showered, took
    a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
    bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
    Immediately, he was the manliest of men!

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, too. Then she
    asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that's why, boys and girls, we should never end our sentences with a
    preposition, because if we do, we could end up with a dangling participle.
     
  13. ACE007

    ACE007 VA-TI-KA-KI

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    Did you know that Eagles mate for life ?

    Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling
    of 10 glorious years.

    After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She
    had been shot dead!

    Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off
    to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The s*x was good but all the dove would say is ...

    'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

    Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

    He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the s*x was good but all the loon would say is........
    'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
    So out with the loon.

    Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the s*x was great, but all the duck would say was.....



    NO, The duck didn't say THAT



    ... Don't be SO disgusting!




    The duck said....


    'I am a DRAKE,
    You made a MISTAKE !!
     
  14. riyadh

    riyadh

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    DISNEYLAND
    Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

    FLORIDA OR MOON
    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida [​IMG]??'
    CAR TROUBLE
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
    mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, 'What's the story?'
    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
    SPEEDING TICKET
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
    RIVER WALK
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
    'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

    KNITTING
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
    BLONDE ON THE SUN
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
    The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
    'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
    IN A VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
    FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
     
  15. riyadh

    riyadh

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    A man checked into a hotel in Pretoria .

    There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

    However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile ..... somewhere in Cape Town a widow had just arrived home from her husband's funeral.

    The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

    After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which Read:

    To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've arrived Date: June 3, 2009 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.s. It is damn hot down here!!
     
  16. shaunlventer

    shaunlventer

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    lol brilliant...
     
  17. Gareth

    Gareth Angel Freak

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    :rofl: that's a good one
     
  18. TroyFish

    TroyFish

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    Last time i heard that was about 6 years ago, still one of the best!
     
  19. Khalid

    Khalid Loricariidae

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    Lions on top of the log!

    Lions on top of the log!

    log.JPG
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2010
  20. TroyFish

    TroyFish

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    Hahahaha
     
  21. Gert Combrink

    Gert Combrink

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    Joke Of The Day:

    Joke Of The Day:
    Real Or Not?!
    A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
    A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
    A snail can sleep for three years.
    All Polar bears are left-handed.
    American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
    Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
    Cat's urine glows under a black light.
    China has more English speakers than the United States.
    Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
    Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
    Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
    Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
    February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language :bigsmile:
     

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