Some real funny jokes

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic chat' started by solex69, May 8, 2009.

  1. solex69

    solex69

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    Ok oakes....here's a thread we can post our funny jokes in.

    Here's my first.....simply brilliant I think :p


    Why men’s letters to Dear Abby are never published

    Dear Abby

    I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
    could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
    wife has been cheating on me.

    The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
    wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
    ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
    know them."

    I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
    walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
    has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
    taxi?

    I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
    went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and
    why was I checking up on her.

    Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
    down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
    again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
    park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
    behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came
    home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that was when I
    noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
    oil.

    Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
    dealer?

    Thanks, - Boeta.
     
  2. Guest




  3. 2time

    2time Keanan

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    LoL you right its simlpy brilliant
     
  4. veegal

    veegal

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    :rofl: It's great!!!!
     
  5. veegal

    veegal

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    Jacob Zuma was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below..

    Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
    The first kid said, 'I want to go to the Aquarium in Cape Town ' Jacob said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special President's aeroplane.'
    The second kid said, 'I want seasonal rugby tickets.' Jacob said, 'I'll get them for you and even have the teams sign memorabilia for you!'

    The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

    Jacob was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

    The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!
     
  6. OP
    solex69

    solex69

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  7. Philfarm

    Philfarm

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    Ha ha very funny Dale, you'v got the best joke here...

    And its in your pants:p
     
  8. OP
    solex69

    solex69

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    Funny phil

    Ever wondered why I can't swim properly? too much weight bru ;)

    lol
     
  9. veegal

    veegal

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    :rofl: you guys should put an age restriction on this thread :) :) Sharp, very sharp!!!! :):)
     
  10. Zafgak

    Zafgak Old fart

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    Oh Yea Dale - I Like
     
  11. speedz

    speedz In need of a fishroom....

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    LOL! good stuff
     
  12. FLOSSIE

    FLOSSIE

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    Which came first?

    Feminism or Ugly women?


    Recently, I saw an article about Americans sending their old clothes over to the poor in Africa.

    Pointless, I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

    Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.


    This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

    Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


    How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?

    Tell them it's nearly finished.


    Hopw you enjoy
     
  13. SalmonAfrica

    SalmonAfrica Batfish

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    A New Zealander is in South Africa, on one of the major roads on the way to the next city for the next rugby game. However, his car breaks down, so he begins to walk down the road to look for help.

    Two hours into walking, he begins to feel faint, because he has had nothing to drink for all this time. By his luck, he sees a dam on a farm in the distance and makes his way towards it. As soon as he gets to the water, he drops to his knees and, handful by handful, slurps up the water.

    The owner of the farm sees this man drinking, approaches him and says:
    "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak"

    The man looks up at him confused and says:
    "Sorry, I'm from New Zealand, I can't understand what you're saying"

    So the farmer replies:
    "Oh I see. Use both hands"
     
  14. Gilbertr14

    Gilbertr14 Phenacogrammus

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    A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why such a long face?"
     
  15. speedz

    speedz In need of a fishroom....

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    hehe i like the canadian joke
     
  16. High-wash

    High-wash Pleco

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    agreed Speedz ;)
     
  17. Carping

    Carping MTS Victim

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    Boksburg
    A guy comes to the doctor and tell him he wants to become an Irishman. The doctor looks at him and tell him "That is a very delicate operation, as we have to remove 1/4 of your brain for that"
    The guy says it's ok, as he really wants to be Irish.
    So the op goes ahead. The guy wakes up after the op with the doctor leaning over him with a very worried look on his face saying "We have made a terrible mistake sir. We have unfortunately removed 3/4 of your brain instead of the intended 1/4"
    "Aw, don't worry mate. Where is my shiela" the guy says
     
  18. Donny

    Donny

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    Hopefully not to offensive ...
    A cabbie picks up a Nun

    She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
    cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.
    He replies:

    'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

    She answers,
    'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
    and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
    and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
    you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'


    'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

    She responds,
    'Well, let's see what we can do about that:


    #1, you have to be single and

    #2, you must be Catholic.'

    The cab driver is very excited and says,
    'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

    'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

    The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
    make a hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driverstarts crying.

    'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
    'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,


    I'm married and I'm Jewish.'


    The nun says, 'That's OK..

    My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
     
  19. Sean J

    Sean J

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    OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH, nasty!!

    This one should be rated PG:

    pic06599.jpg

    pic10289.jpg

    pic14368.jpg
     
  20. Donny

    Donny

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    wa ha ha lmao lol
     
  21. veegal

    veegal

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    LoL Donny - that was great!
     

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