Should i just end it

Life is so mundane right now. Every day blurs into the other. Seemingly endless dark tunnel into nowhere as our politicians lead us down an irreversible path towards absolute austerity. What kind of system do we have that i am worth more to my family dead than i am alive. Literally if I off myself now my daughter will have an education and anything she wants but if i work my ass off for the rest of my life we'll struggle to puty her through varsity and pay this house off.

Hope heaven is an aquatic paradise. Then again, i might be headed south.

 

You are not alone....we live in really economically challenging times and it all feels like some sort of dystopian nightmare. I struggle with anxiety and depression and have contemplated suicide before, but fortunately have access to therapy and thats keeping me sane. Being trapped at home and the depressing news cycle isn't helping. All i can say is that this is a dark time, but its certainly not end of days. Your family doesn't see you as a cash-cow and wether you see yourself that way or not your happiness and your life is worth more to them now than ever. Don't give up....talk to people and open up about your pain. Every day might feel the same but you can make small incremental changes that can start bringing some joy. Even if its just getting up early and sitting in a beam of sunshine, listening to the birds and looking at your fish swim by. Your life is precious and the pain you would cause your child if you were to leave...is unimaginable. This WILL pass. Dark days will be there but they will be easier to handle with your loved ones beside you. I think this year is testing all of us....our strength, our faith in each other and others. Start small. Every time your thoughts turn dark, try and think of things that bring you joy and push the dark thoughts aside. Go for a walk, listen to a song and give yourself extra love and kindness. It was very brave of you to share this....

 

Varsity isn't worth fretting over, if someone has the marks to get in then NSFAS is the way, it has been putting many of my friends through University. Life is tough right now but this won't be indefinite. Stay strong, and seek professional help if you need to, absolutely no shame in wanting to tackle your problems.

 

Thank you for the replies. My fish need me anyway... So I think i have to stay. For them.

 

I've been in a similar spot, with regards to life feeling mundane and everything blurring together. It really does start to weigh on your soul. What helped for me, and maybe it can help for you, is to make a point of doing something different each day. It doesn't even have to be exciting or time consuming. Just do something different, and remember it. It takes about a week, but the feeling of days being on loop will fade, and life will become interesting again.

Spend more times on the hobbies and activities, such as fish keeping, that bring you joy and/or peace. Read up and research topics that interest you. Go for walks with your family. Talk to friends. Make happy memories with them all in troubling and stressful times. Open up to your loved ones about how you're feeling. There is no shame in admitting how you are feeling, and they will appreciate the strength and trust it takes to do it. Even just talking about it will make you feel lighter.

For the financial stress: NSFAS is a good option. There are options for monthly payments to the university, rather than bulk amounts, which make the process a lot less stressful. Some universities even offer discounts based on academic performance, which is something that you might want to look into. Some student loans are surprisingly affordable, and your daughter will be able to help you pay them off once she graduates and gets a job.

Be kind to yourself, and know that life will get better

 

Initially did not want to respond but posts on another forum made me think about your post here and the courage it took to share. I am bipolar and on chronic medication. Not going to delve too deeply into my past living with depression, suffice to say I understand perfectly the feeling of helplessness that engulfs you. At the time when this happens it is very difficult to see / find any hope. Succumbing to these feelings will end up in a dark hole with little way out. Been there myself many times and sometimes barely made it out.

Looking at your post I can only try and give you some direction to get out of the slump. Instead of focusing on the now that is dark and wants to strangle the life out of you focus on your daughter. You mention how there would be money to sort out the problems you are facing now.

Try and imagine her matric farewell, seeing her all dressed up and looking at you as you take the pictures that before she leaves the house. Imagine standing by anxiously as she opens the letter for her varsity / college acceptance. Imagine how proud you'll be the day she gets her degree / diploma. Imagine the day her boyfriend (that eventually turned out to be good enough for her) comes begging you for her hand in marriage. Imagine walking her down the isle, your baby a woman...

Do you really want to miss all of that? Do you want her to remember the pain of losing you every day wondering what she did wrong?

Life sucks most of the time, depression doesn't make it easier. When you are in that deep hole think of one thing you can do today / tomorrow to change your situation and do it. Lots of little changes eventually makes a big difference.

Hope you get through this.

 

Hang in there bud, it is k@k out there but this situation is affecting everyone in various ways. But we are humans and we always prevail. Speaking up is good, blow off some steam. Immerse yourself in your hobbies, it has kept me semi-sane for the past 81 days I have had to work from home. Go for a walk, focus on the stuff you've had to remove from your daily mental vocabulary due to this Pandemic, like the people walking around you, the birds, the sea, whatever (as mentioned). Get into gaming if you don't already, live in that alternate world for an hour or two per day, trust me it helps. You are preaching to the choir brother, for I too (and many others) have and are weathering the same storm even before Covid-19.

Sure, your daughter will be better off financially, but she won't have you and all the wisdom you still have to give her. Money can't replace you, nothing can. People care about you and you need to stick around.

 

You made me cry and sometimes the soul needs a real good wash.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. What a remarkable display of humanity, love and compassion that has truly touched me.

Some of these posts I read last night while I stared at my fish. They helped me realise that I am not alone in this anguish and that so many of you have hurt and pain too. Thank you for helping me see that I have to carry on, i have to fight and I have to beat this.

 

Typing my post made me cry as I have kids too. Gave me strength and perspective to fight another day.

One advantage of the connected age is that it is very difficult to be alone

Keep your chin up and when things get tough reach out. There is always someone that cares available

 

That's the spirit

 

This, i must say is an awesome forum to be on. Not only is advice given without compensation, but the compassion, just goes beyond. @Saibot focus on the good and the now. To everyone else, Thanks! Knowing there are people like you out there makes life seems a whole lot better.

 

Sorry I'm only catching up with all the posts now as i have also been going through a bit of a rough time with infection in my leg and in hospital for last week
Tons of good advice has been given and as said.. you not alone on this and you have to be positive.. things will eventually come right
Glad to see you hanging in there
If you need to talk, talk to us!!!

 

I too was just reading and wasn't going to comment until now. Let me tell you life is to short and our current situation we are in does not make it any easier.

A lot of good advice has been given here and I can only add my 2c worth.

Please dont take any offense to what I am about to tell you, I am not in any way trying to make this about me at all, I just want to try and illustrate how precious life really is and how we sometimes can take it for granted.

My family and I too have gone through a extremely rough year so far, especially my sister, who first lost her son of 18 years old to measels. He passed just before lockdown (very long back story) He fought and won a rare liver condition and survived a liver transplant a colon removal and was taken out by measles. Then her boyfriend died in his sleep from a suspected heart attack 3 weeks ago. He was only 54 and as fit as a fiddle. Then a week later my brothers son who is a CP child was rushed to hospital after he asperated and almost died. He is now almost fully recovered and the exact reason for the aspiration is still unknown. He is only 6 years old.

My brother also had his entire business of 30 years completely wiped out due to the lock down. His business was involved in hiring and events.

In between this all was lifes usuall daily events, like my wifes salary been cut in half, luckily half is better than nothing and some other usual daily events and curve balls. So it makes you realize just how fragile and precious life really is.

It has made me realize not to sweat the small stuff and also not to worry to much about things we have no control over.

From a financial point of view with regards to C19 and resultant lock downs and the destruction of our already fragile SA economy, one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am not in this alone, We are all in this together.

I am at a point where in my life where from a financial point of view, if the bank does not understand my situation, well then good luck, cause you cannot get blood from a stone. As lock down entered level 3 my phone began to ring with operators from call centers collecting money for large corporations from credit card companies to finance houses to banks calling me for money and asking me when will I pay. I tell them all the same story. I will pay what and when I have the means. I have nothing else to offer at this point.

Life is too short to stress over this and life has to go on. This is what all the above has taught me in what seems like 4 very long months!

Easy to say but try to stay positive. I am thankful every day that I have this hobby as its the one thing that has kept me grounded and sane at the same time. I marvel over my fish and nature every day and am reminded every day that their is a much larger force in control over which I have no control!

Stay stong, stay safe and stay warm.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk

 

I have also read this thread and been reluctant to share but yes, mid 2016 I was there, I could not see a way out, business failing due to investors (in-laws) not keeping up with thier duties, I wasn't eating or sleeping, was angry all the time, I couldn't see the joy in anything, lost interest in my hobby and pretty much everything...I eventually tried but didn't succeed in ending my life and after recovering in hospital after the 4th attempt was booked into a recovery centre where I was diagnosed with depression, biolar etc etc. I didn't and couldn't have foreseen the effect it would have on my wife and 2 boys...My wife saw my suicide attempts as my wanting to leave her and the boys and even after spending time with me and all manner of experts she understood...but couldn't really understand if that makes any sense. She took the boys and left ,love of my life and best friend for 20+ years gone and now I was completely alone and had to cope with that on my own also, I came really close to a fifth attempt at ending my life. At the end of the day with meds and professional help I am OK, it is still a difficult daily process to stay positive and I know how difficult it is to listen to someone telling you that it is not the end of the world or that things will get better etc etc and you can't blame them for trying because people don't really understand how your brain can let you believe that if you are not there anymore your loved ones will be better off without you....of course this will never be true.

Personally I don't really watch the news much and I pretty much stay off social media. Physical activities like running walking whatever are important, I had to force myself to get involved in my hobby again and it didn't take long for me to get my spirits up in this way, I had to force myself to get into a routine as the simplest thing could just seem to look like an impassible mountain when in reality we are just talking about getting to work...something everyone does on a daily basis. If the dept collectors call, they can take it or leave it you really cant get blood from a stone. There really isn't a recipe or a really profound quote or anything that anyone can say that will help you but it helps to speak to a psychologist at least for a start, or even just to chat to someone who has been through it.

@Saibot , I am amazed at all the great replies that have been posted it is great to have so many positive stories being shared. On a personal note, if you ever felt the need to chat feel free to PM me ANYTIME, PLEASE do chat to someone if you ever feel like you are on the verge.

 

Wow, i can't believe this thread has turned into something so needed by so many. Again, thank you to everyone who responded. What an absolutely fantastic forum we have here.
I've been working through my things and i have plans for some counciling next month. It is truly devastating to hear of the effects this lockdown has had. I hope we can all be kind to one another and assist where we can.

 

Thanks for sharing guys. Hang in there. It gets better. We all went through this at some point. Lockdown was the opposite for me. I resigned from work just before lockdown and followed my dreams and I made my life less about money and more on qaulity time with my family. Things are great now and im so hopeful for the future. I feel much better than when I had a nice job and thought I was living the life. It gets better , be strong and count your blessings right in front of you. We all need money,, but we need to be alive to use it. Life is priceless.