Friday Joke Thread

hahaha good one!!

 

Koos vry sy meisie, sy raak bietjie meegevoer
en fluister in sy oor: Koos soen my op n lekker plek.

Koos se: Nee man ,ek ry nie nou Nuweland toe nie!

 

BWAHAHAHA

Thanks Ace! good one

 

dont understand lol

Google translate made me more confused than the afrikaans itself:

Freely chose his girlfriend, she becomes little scrape
and whisper in his ear: Koos kiss me on a nice place.

Koos said, No man, I ride now Newlands was not!

 

Koos kissed his girlfriend, she becomes little frisky
and whisper in his ear: Koos kiss me on a nice place.

Koos said, No way I driving to Newlands now!

 

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!


We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

LMAO because we're mean and couldn't possibly understand just how painful that must have been. j/k

Yowzers... I'm actually knuiping at the moment because eish... that sounds excrutiatingly painful!

 

Doctors vs. Gun Owners


Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

hehe
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!



A Parks Board warden finds an Indian man at the Blue Lagoon with ten shad in a bucket.

"That's way over the limit," he says. "You're Under arrest."
"But lahnee, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home.
I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week.
When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go
home."
"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."
The man promptly dumps the shad into the sea and gazes after them as
they swim away.
After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"
"How long what?" says the man.
"How long till you call the fish back?"

 

Now i really do not understand this joke.:bigsmile:


p.s. What do you mean by "older"?

More seasoned,expert,etcLOL

 

wat noem jy 'n seekat op viagra?

a bar stoel

 

An Angel said:
I can’t be everywhere to help you…
So I created a MOTHER…

The Devil replied:
Me too can’t be everywhere …
So I created a MOTHER IN LAW

 

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

So... this woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.


On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am


'About 32,' is the reply.'

Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'


The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?


'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

Lol classic! i love it!

 

What does a walrus have in common with an ice-cream container?

 

They both store fat?

 

They both enjoy a tight seal.

 

To revive a very old thread

Why the mantis shrimp is my new favorite animal - The Oatmeal

 

Hi @Jenn brilliant. That shrimp seriously packs a punch. Has any one on tasa ever kept them?

 

When Chuck Norris touches an iPhone 4, the signal strength increases.

 

Okay... Seems legit...