The Joke Thread [Archive] - Tropical Aquariums South Africa

Zebra Pleco

23-09-2008, 16:54

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty

ACE007

10-05-2010, 13:41

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine"

ACE007

10-05-2010, 15:04

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say
BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.

" The next night he came home from work and yelled
" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled " BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

ACE007

10-05-2010, 16:09

'n Man kom by die huis van die werk af, val neer in sy gunsteling stoel, skakel die TV aan en skree vir sy vrou: "Gou, bring vir my 'n bier voor dit begin."

Sy kyk hom verbaas aan, maar gaan haal vir hom 'n bier.
Toe hy hom klaar gedrink het sê hy weer, "Bring gou vir my nog een voor dit begin."

Die keer kyk sy hom kwaai aan, maar gaan haal tog 'n bier.
Toe die bier ook klaar is sê hy weer, "Bring nog 'n bier, dit gaan amper begin."

Die keer sê sy: "Jou vark! Jy stap hier in, val op daai stoel neer, groet nie eers nie en verwag ek moet soos jou slaaf rondhardloop. Besef jy nie ek kook, was en stryk heeldag , maak huis skoon en kyk na die kinders vir jou nie?"

Die man sug: "Daar begin dit nou !!!"

Khalid

11-05-2010, 12:44

With which of the following names are you not familiar?

1. Robert Mugabe
2. Julius Malema
3. Advocate Barbie
4. Guiseppe Riccardi
5. Schabir Shaik
6. Tiger Woods

Did you battle a little with number 4?

Typical!!

You know all the assholes, sluts, thieves & cheaters, but you don't know who the pope is!

TroyFish

11-05-2010, 13:12

Wimpie

11-05-2010, 13:14

Schabir Shaik is Zuma's corrupt buddy

TroyFish

11-05-2010, 13:18

I would have never known. Dont really focuse on politics

shakester

11-05-2010, 17:00

lolly jackson - buy one beer ,get fifteen shots for free

ACE007

12-05-2010, 13:45

On his 78th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After some persuasion, the man drove to the reservation, handed

his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to
him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is powerful
medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say,

'1-2-3' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been
in your life and you can perform as long as you want!"

The elderly man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4',"
the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work
again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to try it out. When he got home, he shaved, showered, took
a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men!

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, too. Then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that's why, boys and girls, we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because if we do, we could end up with a dangling participle.

ACE007

14-05-2010, 07:50

Did you know that Eagles mate for life ?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling
of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She
had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off
to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The s*x was good but all the dove would say is ...

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the s*x was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the s*x was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!

riyadh

14-05-2010, 08:25

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida http://www.rockandsurf.co.za/Smileys/classic/huh.gif??'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

riyadh

14-05-2010, 08:42

A man checked into a hotel in Pretoria .

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile ..... somewhere in Cape Town a widow had just arrived home from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which Read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've arrived Date: June 3, 2009 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.s. It is damn hot down here!!

shaunlventer

14-05-2010, 10:33

lol brilliant...

Gareth

14-05-2010, 10:53

:rofl: that's a good one

TroyFish

14-05-2010, 12:06

Last time i heard that was about 6 years ago, still one of the best!

Khalid

19-05-2010, 12:31

Lions on top of the log!

TroyFish

19-05-2010, 12:36

Hahahaha

Gert Combrink

19-05-2010, 12:41

Joke Of The Day:
Real Or Not?!
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language :bigsmile:

TroyFish

19-05-2010, 16:05

Somethings i picked up on the net now: Marriage

*I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

*At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

*How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free

*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

*A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then
says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'

*A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

*I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery

riyadh

19-05-2010, 16:25

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

ACE007

27-05-2010, 11:25

Tikkie op die Skouer

Die passasier in 'n huurmotor tik die bestuurder op die skouer om hom
iets te vra.

Die bestuurder gil, verloor beheer oor die voertuig, ry amper in 'n bus
vas, jaag oor die sypaadjie en stop millimeters van 'n winkel venster af.
Vir 'n paar oomblikke is alles doodstil. Die drywer sê toe, "Moet dit
asseblief nooit weer doen nie. Ek het my amper doodgeskrik."

Die passasier vra toe om verskoning en sê hy het nie gedink 'n tikkie
op die skouer sou hom so laat skrik nie.

Die bestuurder antwoord toe, "Dit is nie werklik jou fout nie. Vandag
is my eerste dag as huurmotor bestuurder. Vir die laaste 25 jaar het
ek 'n lykswa bestuur!!"

A tap on the shoulder.

A passenger is in a taxi and tap the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver yells and loose control over the vehicle, almost hit a bus,

drive onto the pavement and stop millimeters from a shop window.

For a few seconds everything is dead quiet. The drivers says, "Please
don't ever do that again. I almost killed us."

The passenger says that he is very sorry but didn't thin that a tap
on the shoulder would have given him such a fright.

The driver replies back, "It's not really your mistake, it's just today is
my first day driving a taxi. For the last 25 year I've been driving a
hearse."

Gert Combrink

27-05-2010, 11:33

Gatiep: Gammat, wasse honne het djy?
Gammat: Haskies.
Gatiep: Ek vra wasse honne het jdy man....
Gammat: Haskies!!!!!!!!
Gatiep: Ag f@kof - Djou, dowe donner!

Koos maak 'n ongeluk.
Hy se vir die polisieman: "Ek vermoed die bestuurder van die ander kar is dronk."
Polisieman: "F@k meneer, die ander kar is dan 'n koei.....!"

Mike vra Kallie - Is Portugal ver?
Kallie se nee, hy glo nie, want daar was Portugese saam met hom op skool en hulle het almal
met fietse gery!

Sielkundige vra : Kyk jy vir jou vrou se gesig tydens sex?
"Ek het 1 keer en sy't redelik die moer in gelyk!"
Hoe dan so?
"Sy't by die venster ingeloer......!"

Baas toets blond se wiskunde: "As ek vir jou R5 miljoen minus 10% gee,
hoeveel trek jy af?"
Blond: "Als Meneer!.... Skoene, rok, bra, pantie - ALLES!"

Koos sit in 'n kroeg en bestel 'n dop. Teen die muur sien hy 'n bordjie wat lees:

Kaastoebroodjies: R10.00
Chicken Mayo: R15.00
Draadtrek: R20.00

Hy roep die sexy blonde kroegmeisie nader en vra: 'Is jy die een wat die draadtrek doen?'
'Ja...' antwoord sy terwyl sy haar ogies in Koos se rigting fladder en hom 'n sexy smile gee.

'Nou gaan was jou hande, ek wil 'n f#kken kaastoebroodjie hê...'

brads

27-05-2010, 12:03

haha the last joke was a killer and the one about the blonde doing maths .
damn takes me long to read these afrikaans jokes

cheers

Gert Combrink

27-05-2010, 13:20

Sorry Brads, it just don't sound right if translated!

ACE007

31-05-2010, 16:02

FEE FAA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm5gs3-oXRA)

Slojo

31-05-2010, 16:50

Oh no this thread must be marked as Dangerous!!!
My stomach muscles is so sore now.

ACE007

01-06-2010, 13:15

Visitors will ask you this during the World Cup period.

Q: What does the South African flag represent?
http://www.itnewsafrica.com/wp-content/uploads/sa_flag.jpg

Answer:
RED is the SUN , so it's above;
BLUE is the SEA , therefore below;
GREEN is the MONEY in the middle;
BLACK is the MAJORITY on the left center,
WHITE is the MINORITY covering the money
YELLOW is the ELECTRIC FENCE keeping the MAJORITY away from the MONEY!

WELL, IF U DIDN’T KNOW, NOW U KNOW!! DON’T THANK ME, I’M JUST DOING MY BIT FOR 2010!!

Fonkie

01-06-2010, 15:48

Ace

Ek ken die joke bietjie anders maar jy hou dit baie diplomaties as jy van die majority praat

Well done

fishcrazy

04-06-2010, 12:24

This is by far the best Traffic cop joke in years.While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"To which I replied, "I'm late for work."To which he asked, "What do you do?""I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher??"And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot poepol?"To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind A bridge..."Speeding ticket: R250.00Court costs: R1000.00Look on traffic cop's face: P R I C E L E S S . .
*

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news:"I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!""How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman."Well, ma'am, ! it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company."What are you saying? It's in your files?????""Absolutely.""Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts."Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.All you have to do is pay us.""PAY you? And if I refuse?""Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off.""And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks."! I don't know.. I guess she'd have to use a candle.""WWWHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT???

Gert Combrink

04-06-2010, 12:36

Dit is Sondag oggend 30 MEI nagmaal in die kerk en die dominee vra:"
Is iemand oorgeslaan met die beker?"
Toe staan al die STORMERS op!
:bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile:

Slojo

08-06-2010, 03:19

From my facebook Profile.LOL

Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is doggy style - the husband sit's and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead

ACE007

09-06-2010, 13:01

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your "(where the sun don't shine)" and go as a toffee apple.

guido.coza

09-06-2010, 19:08

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon observed, 'You're all wrong. ANC Youth League Politicians (AKA Julius Malema) are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:: laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::l augh::laugh::laugh:

Gareth

09-06-2010, 19:32

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::top:

veegal

10-06-2010, 14:27

:rofl: brilliant guido!!!!!! I like!!!! :rofl:

windfire

10-06-2010, 15:03

four old school friends meet for a braai when one of them goes to the bathroom the other 3 begin to discuss their lives, the first guy says ' i have a son who went to university and graduated with honours he then climbed the corparate ladder and is now doing so well he bought his friend a new sports car' the other two men al agree the first must be very proud of his son.

the second then says ' my son went to aviation school, became a pilot and opened his own airline, he's doing so well he bought his friend his own plane' both other men agree this is very admirable and he must be proud.

the third the says his son went to university,studied engineering and now has his own construction company hes so successful that he built his friend a 30 million rand mansion.

asthe other two are expressing their appreciation the fourth friend comes back and asks what they are talking about, "our sons" says one of his friends, " i have a son" the fourth man replies" he's gay and works in a strip club" his friends al say you must be so disapointed! not really says the fourth guy, his boyfriends have given him a new sports car, a plane and a 30 million rand mansion!

rofl i heard this on tuks fm and it was in afrikaans. i thought it was really good though lol

veegal

10-06-2010, 15:05

Hehehe I bet the other fathers swallowed their pride after that little comment! Nice one!!!!

Stormer

10-06-2010, 16:51

Don't think this has been posted.

A little boy asks his dad: whats between moms legs?

The father answers: paradise, my son

The kid asks again: whats between your legs?

The father replies: the key to the paradise

The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!

TroyFish

10-06-2010, 16:54

Zoom

11-06-2010, 11:08

It's old... but still good:

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ...... you should see the back of mine!!!'

Marco

11-06-2010, 11:21

Klein dogtertjie stap in Pet shop in tot by toonbank waar die eienaar, 'n ou oom in sy 60's besig is met boekwerk. "Goeiemore Oom.Ek sjoek assjeblief 'n Hasie" Die Oom glimlag en vra vir die dogtertjie -"En watse Hasie soek jy? Soek jy 'n wit hasie of 'n swart hasie of dalk 'n pienk hasie?" Die dogtertjie kyk fronsend na die oom en sè- "Ag Oom, ek dink nie my Luisjlang gee 'n f@k om watse kleur hy isi!"

TroyFish

11-06-2010, 11:25

Dumb joke a head, you have been warned:

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH:rofl::rofl::rofl:

fishcrazy

12-06-2010, 15:25

Duties of Wives*Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.**

*

Terry had married a woman from*Greece*.*He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.Jimmie had married a woman from*Italy*.He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.Theo had married a South African girl.

*

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

guido.coza

13-06-2010, 02:27

A Cape Flats Coloured, a Bellville Whitey
and a Durban Indian are in a restaurant. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He looks so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They
stare and stare, until suddenly the Coloured twigs:"My God,
it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus . Thrilled, they
club in and send him over the best chow on the menu. Jesus accepts the
food, smiles over at the three men, and starts eating. After
he's finished eating, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the
hand of the Durban Indian and shakes it, thanking him for the
food. When he lets go, the Indian gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a
miracle!" Jesus then also shakes the White`s hand, thanking him
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Its true mate!!, the
bad back I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a
miracle!" Jesus then approaches the Coloured who knocks over a
chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of
God. "What's wrong?" asks Jesus. The Coloured
shouts, "Djy raakie aan my nie, I'm on disability!!!

Gert Combrink

13-06-2010, 11:26

THREE ROSES

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.' :bigsmile::laugh::nuts:

Donny

13-06-2010, 12:52

Wa ha ha ha lmao :) :)

Gert Combrink

13-06-2010, 16:26

Author anannomous for obvious reason...

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Stormers supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty

Gert Combrink

16-06-2010, 23:02

J We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

Stormer

16-06-2010, 23:22

brads

17-06-2010, 08:38

Kel-Sol

17-06-2010, 12:19

Ha ha ha ha!
I've been on the forum so much this holiday I have a (_*_)!

Stormer

26-06-2010, 22:19

http://mybroadband.co.za/photos/data/500/bafanabafana.JPG

Judge to child: Do you want to live with your mother?
Child: No
Judge: Why?
Child: She beats me.
Judge: Okay, so you want to live with dad?
Child: No
Judge: Why not?
Child: He beats me too.
Judge: So who do you want to live with?
Child: BAFANA BAFANA
Judge: WHY??
Child: They never beat anyone!

Khalid

02-07-2010, 09:02

An old one but still funny

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Johannesburg, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

TroyFish

02-07-2010, 09:08

Lol 1st time hearing/reading this! Very good!

Khalid

04-07-2010, 22:18

Why We Love Children
>>
>> 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
>> was dead.
>> 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
>> 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
>> innocently.
>> 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
>> 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
>> didn't move'
>>
>> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
>>
>> Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
>> 'What?'
>> 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
>> 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
>> Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
>> 'WHAT?'
>> 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
>> ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
>> Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
>> 'WHAT!'
>> 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
>>
>> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
>> finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
>> The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
>> and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
>> sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
>>
>> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
>> tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
>> asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
>> tonight?'
>> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
>> 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
>> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
>> 'The big sissy.'
>>
>> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>> children's sermon.
>> All the children were invited to come forward.
>> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
>> down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
>> Is it your Easter Dress?'
>> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
>> microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
>>
>> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
>> old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
>> shower.
>> She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
>> I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
>> tummy.'
>> 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
>>
>> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
>>
>> He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
>>
>> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
>> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
>> The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
>> 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
>> 'Yes,' he answered.
>> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
>> teaching my son in math?'
>> The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
>> The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
>> son of a bitch is four?'
>> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
>> was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
>>
>> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
>> Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
>> Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
>> went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
>> falling!'
>> The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
>> farmer said?'
>> One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
>> 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
>> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>>
>> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
>> Sugarbrown's daughter.'
>> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
>> Sugarbrown.'
>> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
>> Sugarbrown's daughter?'
>> She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
>>
>> 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
>>
>> with the boys?'
>> Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
>> too rough.'
>> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
>>
>> If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

SalmonAfrica

04-07-2010, 22:30

A little girl comes home excitedly and tell her mother:
"Mom! Mom! When I was walking home from school today, a boy told me he would give me a Marie biscuit if I climbed the pole! So I did!"
The mother frowned and said:
"You musn't do that! The boy wants you to climb the pole so he can see your panties!"

The next day the girl rushes into the house, even happier than before.
"Mommy! That same boy told me that he'd give me THREE Marie biscuits if I climb the pole again! So I did!"
The mother was concerned when she heard this.
"Sweetie, you musn't. All that boy wants to do is see your panties!"

Once more, a very happy girl comes home:
"Mom, the boy said he'd give me a WHOLE pack of Marie biscuits if I climb the pole! So I did, and I got the WHOLE pack of Maries!"
The mom sternly replied:
"I've told you so many times now! He just wants to see your panties!"
The girl smiles and replies:
"I know mommy, I heard you. But I'm smart. I took my panties off."

:p

fishcrazy

06-07-2010, 18:20

Mpho* is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and
puts
water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having
suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a
French wine that changes colour if you add water).
Mpho as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank
However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.
When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to
nail Mpho as thief!!! At that same moment Mpho realized he was in
trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.
The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today,he will be
obliged
to acknowledge'. So he calls Mpho.
He shouted: ' Mpho!'
Mpho* answered: 'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Mpho from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I
ask you a question you don't answer me?
Mpho retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen
there,
you don't hear anything at all, except the name.
Then to prove that Mpho lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside
Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Mpho
accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.
Mpho shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Mpho '.
Mpho continued:* 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not
here? '.
No answer.
Mpho shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Mpho shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid
pregnant?'
The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Mpho; it is true,
you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything,
only the name!
Good day
*

ACE007

08-07-2010, 14:15

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds overeverybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing' widow."

ACE007

09-07-2010, 08:03

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse. '

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

TroyFish

27-07-2010, 13:22

For the Ladys of the forum

Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

Khalid

28-07-2010, 08:34

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied,
. . . . "We just love the chocolate around them."

TroyFish

28-07-2010, 09:44

A tour bus driver isdriving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he istappedon hisshoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handfulof peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands himanother handful of peanuts. She repeats thisgesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “whydon't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chewthem because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied,
. . . . "We just love the chocolate around them."

There are no words to discribe the feeling in my stomach right now!:puke:

fishcrazy

26-08-2010, 17:40

GIRL:I have had sex with 4 boys & you have done it with 10 girls; still everybody calls me a SLUT & calls you a REAL MAN.Please explain for me why??.BOY:...Very simple. When a lock is opened by many keys, it becomes a BAD LOCK. But when a key opens many locks, it becomes a MASTER KEY!

Cheetah

26-08-2010, 18:11

Doctor!!!! Doctor!!!!!.... I think I'm shrinking!!!!....

Doctor says:.. Well!... You'll just have to be a little patient!

TroyFish

26-08-2010, 18:23

Lol. The most classic of jokes are usually the funniest!

Zoom

09-09-2010, 16:17

http://i761.photobucket.com/albums/xx257/Ashleysvensson/47486_1579683821731_1524727116_31476854_529733_n.j pg

Find the nut that's moving

http://i761.photobucket.com/albums/xx257/Ashleysvensson/47417_1411215244934_1369081296_31027771_5767265_n. jpg

TroyFish

09-09-2010, 16:21

216?

Wow my eyes have gone funny!

TroyFish

29-09-2010, 12:59

http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx194/troyfish101/35057_413246436874_101197616874_4967552_5601844_n. jpg

:D

windfire

30-09-2010, 00:04

lol oh dear troyfish. really cute though lol.

fishcrazy

30-09-2010, 06:08

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling ather.***

Sheimmediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she movedagain.. ***

The man seemedmore amused.**When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she

complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

*

*

The case came up in court.

*

*

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

*

*

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: whenthe lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice hercondition.***

She sat down under a sign that said, 'TheDouble Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.*Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to

smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

**But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

---------- Post added at 06:09 ---------- Previous post was at 06:09 ----------

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN JOHANNESBURG * * * * *THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.
Dear Sir/Madam
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 July 2008 in which for the 3rd
time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to
know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as
possible.
However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only
creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honourable and important as
you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the
names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is
paid immediately.
I hope that yours will come out shortly.
Sincerely Yours,
Sipho
PS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of
your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws

TroyFish

05-10-2010, 15:33

Got this off Face Book

http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx194/troyfish101/33614_1290688206802_1818163709_544997_2008342_n.jp g

Stormer

07-10-2010, 16:16

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face..

I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

Zoom

07-10-2010, 18:29

Me = idiot too!

TroyFish

07-10-2010, 18:33

Lol after trying it im like....what BS! Still got that smile on face Nice one!

Firefly

07-10-2010, 19:50

Very good. Rely good

fishcrazy

07-10-2010, 20:09

what's the difference between a COFFIN and a CONDOM?Although they both carry stiffs,One is used for coming and the other is for going.*

*

*

Q89

10-10-2010, 10:04

What is the meaning of BIBLE?

B:Basic
I:Instructions
B:Before
L:Leaving
E:Earth

Genisis252

10-10-2010, 10:55

Die boer lê en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin lui. Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas, baas, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas." Die boer vra toe "Petrus, Wat is fout?" Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom hier by die plaas." Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus: "Een vannie skape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie." Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter die toonbank, "Verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?" Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n kak bra."

Xtreme Wife

11-10-2010, 15:08

Zoom

11-10-2010, 16:24

If Men Got Pregnant
By: Barney Simon

Things in the world would really change!
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
Men could use their briefcases as nappy bags.
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!

Xtreme Wife

15-10-2010, 08:01

0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Q89

15-10-2010, 09:33

ROFLOL!! Poor Bob!!

azurekoi

15-10-2010, 10:17

Some of the more bizare/sick jokes that occupy the deeper recesses of that sewer I call my mind....

Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

A: Half a dog....

Q:How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

A: Depends on how hard you throw them....

Q:What is the most apropriate present for a dead toddler?

A:A dead puppy...

Q:What's small,red and sits in a corner?

A:A baby playing with a razor blade....

shihr

15-10-2010, 10:53

whats the difference between a prostitute and a wife?

prostitute is pay as u go...

and a wife is on contract..

:P

Singularity

15-10-2010, 11:16

this was posted on masa recently :p
http://www.marineaquariumsa.com/imagehosting/10474c6a55abef16b.jpg

http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m212/gsmithza/1417.jpg

shihr

15-10-2010, 11:22

hahaha..

Xtreme Wife

15-10-2010, 11:34

He Said She Said
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q89

15-10-2010, 11:35

Hahaha!!

Xtreme Wife

15-10-2010, 11:46

This one is not for kids.so kiddies time to go to bed...lol

Chicken, Horse, and BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

azurekoi

16-10-2010, 13:59

REALY wanted to post this one on the religous thread,but considering the nature of the last few posts - thought i should not be so irreverant:

Q: Have you heard about the Agnostic,dyslexic,insomniac?

- He lay awake in bed at night,wondering wether there realy is a Dog....

PS: @ Fishtroy -> That's where that reference came from...lol

riyadh

19-10-2010, 16:23

Een dag vra Piet vir Jan
Jissie, Jan hoekom het jy so baie kinders?
Jan antwoord: "Ek weet nie wat om te maak nie ek raak al mal van al die
kinders"
Piet: "Nou hoekom gebruik jy nie 'n Kondoom nie?"
Jan: "'n Kondoom?"
Piet: "Ja, 'n Kondoom, Gaan na die winkel toe en vra vir 'n paar Kondome"
Jan gaan winkel toe en daar staan 'n jong Engelse meisie agter die toonbank.
Jan vra: "Mag ek 'n Kondoom kry asseblief?"
Die meisie kyk hom so snaaks aan en se:
"Excuse me sir! could you please speak English"
Jan staan en dink so 'n bietjie, want sy engels is nie so goed nie.
Jan se: "Can I have a CAN DOOM please?"
Die girl sê: "Is it for Flying insects or crawling insects"
Jan antwoord: "No! is for gewone secs!!"

TroyFish

20-10-2010, 14:43

TankMaster

20-10-2010, 15:10

een dag vra piet vir jan
jissie, jan hoekom het jy so baie kinders?
Jan antwoord: "ek weet nie wat om te maak nie ek raak al mal van al die
kinders"
piet: "nou hoekom gebruik jy nie 'n kondoom nie?"
jan: "'n kondoom?"
piet: "ja, 'n kondoom, gaan na die winkel toe en vra vir 'n paar kondome"
jan gaan winkel toe en daar staan 'n jong engelse meisie agter die toonbank.
Jan vra: "mag ek 'n kondoom kry asseblief?"
die meisie kyk hom so snaaks aan en se:
"excuse me sir! Could you please speak english"
jan staan en dink so 'n bietjie, want sy engels is nie so goed nie.
Jan se: "can i have a can doom please?"
die girl sê: "is it for flying insects or crawling insects"
jan antwoord: "no! Is for gewone secs!!"

lol . .

azurekoi

20-10-2010, 15:11

Nope, Troyfish - from that PM I sent you bout the tank - something like " thank Dog for...." last week that you laughed about...

So not to wander off topic,here's another:

3 ducks die and go to Hell.....stand in Line @ the gate,waiting to be processed by a little demon with a clipboard....
Demon:"Next!!!" - 1st little duck waddles up - Demon: " Why are you here?"
Duck: " Well,I don't know...I was swimming round this pond...Wap,bang,crash - I'm in Hell"
Demon checks his clipboard for stuff you get sent to Hell for and sez: " Nope,you don't go to Hell for that...Fly up to Heaven..." Little duck flies up to heaven
Demon:"Next!!!" - 2nd little duck waddles up - Demon: " Why are you here?"
Duck: " Well,I don't know...I was swimming round this pond...Wap,bang,crash - I'm in Hell"
Demon checks his clipboard for stuff you get sent to Hell for and sez: " Nope,you don't go to Hell for that...Fly up to Heaven..." Little duck flies up to heaven...
Demon: " Next!!" 3rd little duck minces forward... "Hi,I'm Bubbles...."

mydummyname

20-10-2010, 15:47

@azurekoi (http://www.tropicalaquarium.co.za/member.php?u=1190)

Only saw this now. I don't really get it lol "PS: @ Fishtroy -> That's where that reference came from...lol"

Is this even addressed to me?

lol what he's saying is, if he was dyslexic, he'd read your name as Fishtroy and not Troyfish hehehe

azurekoi

20-10-2010, 15:57

Yeah mydummyname - you got my little inside joke....warped mind here....

TroyFish

22-10-2010, 11:15

Two jokes sent to me from my brother. We a very anti blou bulle family lol.
No offense intended to the team that isn't in the finals due to a full 80min game with no tries....

Joke 1:

The family of Bulls supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.

While at Sportsman's Warehouse, the son picks up a Sharks rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Sharks supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Sharks jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Sharks supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Sharks jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Sharks supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies "I've only been a Sharks supporter for an hour and already I hate you Blue Bulls bastards!!!"

Joke 2:

Peter wants to buy a TV set and is looking for the remote.
The sales agent says: No remote needed- just call out the channel and the TV changes itself.
Peter says: CNN -and the TV changes to CNN.
Peter says: e-TV- and e-tv comes on.
Peter asks: How much does this TV cost. The agent says: R120 000.
Peter says: Kaaaaaaaak
and the TV starts showing highlights of the last 4 Blue Bull games!

TroyFish

22-10-2010, 11:36

Another one. Im no hating, its a friday!

azurekoi

22-10-2010, 14:13

Q:How do you piss off an emo kid

A: Buy him a Happy meal....

and:

Ons was so arm toe ek n kind was,my ma het ons maak k@k op die voortuin se grasperk sodat die diewe kon dink ons het honde.....

fishcrazy

22-10-2010, 15:07

DOGGY PROBLEM

*

An *elderly lady offered to watch her neighbors' dog while the neighbors went on vacation.***The problem was that the spinster's own dog was in 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and was *able to keep*the two dogs apart.As she lay in *her bed drifting off to sleep that evening she was suddenly awakened by *howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed down*to find the *dogs locked together, and unable to disengage.Try as she *might she could not part them and became perplexed as what to do *next.Though it was *late, she reluctantly phoned her vet and after a few rings the rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.After the *spinster explained the problem, the vet said, "I want you to take the *phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone *your number back and the telephone ringing noise should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw.""Oh," Said the *spinster. "Do you think that will work?""Well," The *vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME *!!!"

fishcrazy

22-10-2010, 15:26

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

TroyFish

22-10-2010, 15:48

WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!."
The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

Madam

23-10-2010, 09:29

zebra pleco, don't you have any more tazer stories, i could do with a laugh-til-i-cry session..?

TankMaster

27-10-2010, 23:27

Apple have scrapped their plans for a new children's iPod. Apparently "iTouch Kids" was not a very appropriate name.

fishcrazy

28-10-2010, 05:52

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

---------- Post added at 05:10 ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 ----------

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

riyadh

01-11-2010, 08:37

Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.' The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.' The Zimbabweans replied, 'Long ago a man died here (JESUS) , was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance

Franssny

01-11-2010, 08:50

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

shihr

01-11-2010, 14:39

whats worse than finding a worm in your apple??

FINDING HALF A WORM IN YOUR APPLE!:p

riyadh

02-11-2010, 11:25

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

jedigenie

02-11-2010, 11:42

An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: 'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl
and got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking: 'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to
kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking: 'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me,
but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: 'If this train goes through another tunnel,
I could make another kissing sound and moer that Aussie again!'

riyadh

02-11-2010, 13:05

Ek’s nou so gerattle........

Nou net 'n blond in die poskantoor gesien skree op 'n koevert,

toe ek haar vra wat sy doen, toe sê sy, sy stuur 'n voicemail!

riyadh

10-11-2010, 14:27

Two naughty boys, Larry and Tom, stole a bag of oranges from their home
and decided to go to the nearest cemetery to share the loot. As they are
scaling the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the
bag and are left behind at the gate A heavily drunk man on his way from
a local tavern passes near the cemetery Gate and hears the following:
One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. He immediately sobers
up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest. Pastor Come with me
to witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery. They both run
back to the cemetery gate and the voices continue: One for me, one for
you. Suddenly the one voice says: What about the two at the gate?

The priest was the first to run for his life!

Cheetah

17-11-2010, 11:25

Did He or Did He Not?
http://i524.photobucket.com/albums/cc325/LudwigVenter/Posted%20in%20TFF/Didheordidhenot.jpg

Vis

17-11-2010, 11:39

:D He's going to.

mark d

17-11-2010, 16:29

A guy lays but naked on a nude beach getting a tan when all of a sudden a little girl comes and asks him whats between your legs?He replies its a bird now leave me alone and don't play with it!He fell asleep and then he woke up in hospital with excruciating groin pain.The little girl is next him and says Sorry sir.He asks her what did you do with my bird?She replies I played with it,then it vomited in my face so I broke it's neck,crushed it's eggs and set its nest of fire.

An interesting fact:
Poler bears are the only animals on earth wich has a bone in its pennis

azurekoi

18-11-2010, 14:10

This canibal is walking thru the forest and comes across his mate bawling his eyes out next to a big pile of poo..."What's wrong?" He asks...
"I just dumped my girlfriend",his mate replies...

Cheetah

22-11-2010, 16:20

Two men walk into a pet shop and go over to the bird section.
Sonnyboy says to Umfan, "Dat's dem." The clerk asks if he can help them. "Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side," says Umfan. "Put beds in a pepa bag pleez, baas!"

The two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Sonnyboy's van and drive until they are high up on the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. Sonnyboy takes the birds out of the bag, places 2 on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Umfan watches as Sonnyboy goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Umfan looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Haibo, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."

A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and carries the familiar 'pepa bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag and is carrying a gun in his other hand.

"Heita, Umfan. Watch dis." Philemon says, and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Umfan watches as half way down, Philemon takes the gun, blows the parrot's head off, and continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Sonnyboy's remains at the bottom.

Umfan shakes his head and says, "Eish baba, me is never tryin' dat parrotshooting nider."

After a few minutes, Goodman strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepa bag'.

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.

Once more Umfan shakes his head. "Hauw! First der was Sonnyboy wit his budgie-jumping, den Philemon parrotshooting and now Goodman hen-gliding!"

Firefly

22-11-2010, 18:15

Cleva!

Q89

10-12-2010, 15:53

Rose: I think your Corvette is stupid. Everyone knows the McLaren F1's where it's at.
Rob: You suck.
Rose: You swallow.
Rob: You spit.
Rose: Every time.
Innocent bystander: ...On auto-erotica

Zoom

15-12-2010, 09:57

A man boards an aircraft at JFK Airport in New York, bound for Paris. As he takes his first class seat and settles down, he notices that a very beautiful long legged woman wearing a very short mini skirt has just entered the plane. Then he realizes that she is heading straight towards the open seat next to him. Excitedly he says to himself, "Bingo".
Most eager to strike up a conversation with this Babe as soon as she is seated, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles enchantingly and says, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Paris."

He swallows hard, struggling to maintain his composure and calmness, and asks, "what's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responds. "I use my vast sexual experience to debunk some of the popular myths about male sexuality."

"Really," he smiles, "What myths my those be?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the American Red Indian who possess this trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Indian descent. We have also found that the best potential male lovers in all categories happen to be South African Afrikaners."

Suddenly the woman becomes all embarrassed, uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you when I don't even know your name".

"Running Bear," the man says, "Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie".

Noodle

11-01-2011, 10:47

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” Again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. Next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question.” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls bouncing to the front of the room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday!”

Slojo

11-01-2011, 17:19

Classic!

TroyFish

13-01-2011, 12:35

Enjoyed reading this:http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php/296563-Where-to-get-replica-watches-in-SA

Noodle

13-01-2011, 17:10

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair, shoot her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to shoot her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, spattered with blood and wiping sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them!

Go-Big

20-01-2011, 12:33

Tell me why…

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of rands in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

riyadh

21-01-2011, 10:20

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat
!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

azurekoi

21-01-2011, 10:35

riyadh ... +1 Dude... Its a CLASSIC!!!

TroyFish

21-01-2011, 10:43

Love it! Had a good laugh!

SalmonAfrica

21-01-2011, 10:47

Just read it to my sister... she was in tears! :D

Noodle

21-01-2011, 11:06

A blond pushes her BMW into a service station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

azurekoi

21-01-2011, 20:03

The Bear and the rabbit is catching a bos-k@k....midway through parking a coil,the bear leans over and asks the rabbit:'Rabbit,do you ever have problems with $h!t sticking to your fur?'
'$h!t sticking to my fur? No ways dude!!' the rabbit says higly indignant...
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes its @$$ with it....

Firefly

21-01-2011, 20:32

the bear and the rabbit is catching a bos-k@k....midway through parking a coil,the bear leans over and asks the rabbit:'rabbit,do you ever have problems with $h!t sticking to your fur?'
'$h!t sticking to my fur? No ways dude!!' the rabbit says higly indignant...
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes its @$$ with it....
love it!

larch

22-01-2011, 19:31

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

TroyFish

22-01-2011, 19:53

Brother emailed me this last week. Was good

fishcrazy

28-01-2011, 14:00

One day**Shaanthi*wanted to bake a cake, but she ran out of eggs.

So she went to her usual grocery store.

As she walked in, the owner, was there and

she asked him for a dozen eggs.

She went back home and baked the cake.

To her surprise the eggs were rotten, so she went back to the store

and this time the owner wasn't there, but his wife was

there..

Shaanthi*approached the wife and said "do you know your man's eggs are

rotten"

The wife, obviously shocked and upset said: "how do you know that my man's

eggs are

rotten?"

Shaanthi*replied,* "come smell my cake

Go-Big

28-01-2011, 14:08

hahah sies blixem

Zoom

30-01-2011, 14:50

Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(You know you're laughing...)

Reaper

30-01-2011, 22:12

hehehehe good one Ashley love those translation jokes

A Bauer

31-01-2011, 17:02

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Faaaaaaaark dude...
How much water did you drink?!'

fishcrazy

31-01-2011, 17:26

I don't work for them btw so here goes

Mother and her son were flying with

kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'The boy said, 'Yes she did.'
'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com **always pulls out on time.*And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'

fishcrazy

31-01-2011, 17:33

These are actual stories…Imagine the doctors admitting to their boo boos with a straight face!!

*

*

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. *

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! *The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI *

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass. *"Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."Submitted by RN no name*

windfire

01-02-2011, 20:56

love number 7!

riyadh

02-02-2011, 07:47

LETTER OF REJECTION

Dear Sir / Madam

RE: ADVERTISED POSITION: YOUR LETTER OF REJECTION

Thank you for your letter dated 20 November 2010. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.

Therefore I will start work with your company on TUESDAY 1ST OF February 2011 AT 08:00. I look forward to seeing you then. Don't call me I'll call you. "Le tlwaela batho masepa, julle moerskont ". I will come to work, and u will pay me.

Yours .......
Perseverance Maluleka

fishcrazy

03-02-2011, 19:29

*Man is sitting on a Bus when a Gorgeous Woman Next to him starts Breastfeeding her Baby. The Baby won't take it so She*says''Come on, Eat it all up or I'll *give it to this Nice Man''. *10 Minutes later the Baby still won't Breastfeed so She says again ''Come on Darling, Eat it all up or I'll give it to this Nice Man!'' *To Which the Man Replies ''Listen Lady, cud u make*ur mind up, I*shud have got off 4 Stops Ago''*

riyadh

04-02-2011, 10:54

V.D Merwe

Every Friday evening after work "Van der Merwe" would braai a big, fat juicy steak.

But his neighbours, being Catholic and therefore reluctant to eat meat on Fridays suffered

agonies of temptation as the delicious aroma carried on the evening breeze.

They persuaded the priest to try and convert "Van"... And the priest was successful in doing so.

"Van" attended mass, the priest sprinkled holy water over him and said:

"You were born a Protestant, raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic"

Everybody was delighted, but when Friday night came the wonderful aroma of grilled steak again wafted

over the neighbourhood.

The priest rushed into "Vans" garden just in time to see him clutch a small bottle of water, sprinkling

it over the grilling meat and chanting:

"You was born a cow, you was raised a cow, but you is now a snoek!"

riyadh

08-02-2011, 15:13

I had to share this from another forum

A coloured and a black guy were watching Animal Planet, and it was a show about the great white shark...

The black guy says "This is unfair, why do great things have to be white? Why can't we have a great black shark?"

The coloured guy says," No man, why can't there be a great coloured shark??"
The black turns around amazed and says:

"Shjoe! A shark with no teeth??? That's just wrong!!!

f5.jpg (38.18 KB, 351x600 - viewed 23 times.)

Zoom

08-02-2011, 15:20

When you walk into an office building, how do you know it's an Indian's PC?

1) The PC screen is tinted
2) Instead of their being small PC speakers their's a boom box
3) There are CD's stuck all around the Screen
4) He didn't buy a 30gig hard-drive, he could only get a 29.99.

fishcrazy

07-03-2011, 18:22

An Indian goes to Woolworths in Australia. He finds cat food at special

prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat

food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could

let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets

to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen

cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat

but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have

dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the

manager to put his hand in the bag..

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and

immediately pulls it out. He shouts * ,

"What the hell! This is sh...t, you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"

ACE007

18-03-2011, 13:06

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

7595

fishcrazy

18-03-2011, 15:36

This Is mad! Didn't Even know this existed On My BB..try it, it works 1 of the features on ur bb is a thermometer To measure ur body temperature and room temp. Go to home screen and type 6++. DO NOT DIAL. Place on ur forehead for minimum 3seconds Then to know the temperature press L.

Jenn

18-03-2011, 15:53

1 of the features on ur bb is a thermometer

Try it in your tank - that works too :p

fishcrazy

18-03-2011, 19:14

A guy knocked on my door 2day askin 4a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I gave a cup of water Is that wrong? :D

TroyFish

18-04-2011, 16:14

This was taking off a FB group called " You've got something on your chin. No, the other chin"

Made my day reading through some of the comments, thought i would share this.

8011

Zoom

15-07-2011, 12:40

Sharks Rugby Team Fitness Test:

Coach: "Are you fit?"
Player: "Yes."
Coach: "Ok, you in the team. Can you play prop?"
Player: "I think so coach."
Coach: "Ok, we'll try you in that position and see how it works out for us."

Rickus

15-07-2011, 14:52

TomK

25-07-2011, 14:26

Terrorist walks into a pet shop, shouting, everyone one out! I give you thirty seconds, then I blow the place up. Everybody flees, animals , the lot, with the tortoise shouting from the back of the shop, "Jou Bliksem"!

Slojo

15-08-2011, 06:10

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

http://i878.photobucket.com/albums/ab345/iyole/M.jpg

Newby

15-08-2011, 09:27

old Van, Brit and American's car breaks down in the middle of the dessert and they decide to each take a part of the car and start walking.

The Brit takes the radiator and when asked why he explains "if I get thirsty i could drink the water"

the American takes the hood and when asked why he says "i can hide under it from the sun, sleep under it at night and use it to slide down steep slopes faster"

old Van takes of the door and starts walking.

The other two watch him and decide to ask the question in any case.

Van replies " Well if it gets to hot I can always turn down the window"

Jenn

15-08-2011, 11:01

Excerpt from a dog's diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpt from a cat's diary …

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

windfire

15-08-2011, 17:36

lol brilliant Jenn

moe

22-08-2011, 11:03

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's se x drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

moe

22-08-2011, 11:07

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told the students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention
************************************************** ********************************

Rory

22-08-2011, 11:53

Figured this was suitable for a fish forum :p
9979

Reaper

23-08-2011, 20:36

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!
I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..The fence was to high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on, I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14..

Reaper

04-09-2011, 15:47

Take the candiru, for example. It’s a wee South
American catfish that looks like a five-inch-long eel. It
likes nothing better than minding its own business.
Sure, the candiru feasts on the blood and soft tissues
of other fish by swimming into their gills. But who are
we to judge?
One scientist studying the candiru learned just
how much it likes blood. The scientist was standing in
a river, and the fishy dove into a little cut in his skin,
burrowed into it, and headed for an artery. This
scared the heck out of the scientist, who managed to
stop the little troublemaker before it swam into his
heart. Okay, I’ll admit it, that is pretty bad. But wait, it’s
not as frightening as something I just heard about.
Apparently, a man was peeing into the Amazon River
when a candiru swam up his urine stream and . . .
made a home in the place the urine was coming out
of. Ulp. It was days before a surgeon was able to get
the fish out. The man survived, but the candiru ended
up doing some traveling inside him before everything
was said and done

Reaper

04-09-2011, 16:53

Would you like being born in a blister?
That’s how little baby Surinam toads come into the
world. Here’s how it works:
A female Surinam toad releases her eggs into
water, where the male fertilizes them. Using toad
acrobatics, the female manages to get about a
hundred of the fertilized eggs onto her back. And
there they stay!
Over the next few hours, the eggs nest into the
female’s back, and a layer of skin forms over them.
Then during the next few weeks, little toad tadpoles
hatch within these bubbles. When they’re ready, the
baby Surinam hoppers break free of their bubbles
and launch themselves into the world. (Hey, if one
female toad met another female toad from the same
mother, it could say, “You’re my sister from another
blister!”)

NWS

07-09-2011, 17:49

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4jL4Xejaog

Newby

08-09-2011, 11:24

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto. Jonannesburg .

He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question."

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly.

Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.

Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent."

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena. You know I am very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother."

NWS

08-09-2011, 14:33

Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother.

So what is so funny? Are you implying corruption?

heheheeee!

GG13

08-09-2011, 15:10

Corruption?
In this country?!

NEVER...!

Newby

09-09-2011, 09:23

NOPE, just keep it in the family.

Keep a close eye on everything...lol

spock rider

09-09-2011, 09:29

two zeros walk into a bar, they see an eight sitting in the corner.

the one zero says to the other zero: "Hey boet, check how tight that oke's belt is!"

Wes

09-09-2011, 10:01

No offence to the Brakpan okes, But if you get divorced there you stay Brother and Sister.

Shakes

14-09-2011, 12:30

Husband says to wife: "Your bum looks like a braai stand".

Wife gets offended and goes to sleep.

At night the husband politely asks: "Sweetie, don't you feel like
making love?

Wife says: "Do you expect me to light the braai stand just for a
small piece of wors?

Katfish

14-09-2011, 20:38

The owner of a beautiful, large Rotweiler male was driving in his bakkie with his farm worker beside him. The worker looked back at the dog who, at the time, was licking his balls. He turned to the farmer and said..... "Dis te mooi..... ek wens ek kon dit doen!!!" The Farmer... looking in his rear view mirror commented... " Nee jong, probeer dit net en hy sal jou fokken byt!!!"

matteffect

15-09-2011, 07:02

one liner

Grade 7 was the best 3 years of my life

matteffect

15-09-2011, 07:03

So i walked onto the beach and saw one of my friends, she said she had the coolest bag on the beach. I said no i have a "cooler bag"

Newby

15-09-2011, 08:39

A national inspector pitches up on a small farm somewhere in the Freestate requesting to do a complete inspection of the farmers property and animals.
After some heated discussion and some real nasty words the farmer agrees but tells the inspector that he CANNOT go into the one camp.

The inspector at once gets upset, pulls out his identification card, shows it to the farmer and says "With this card I can go ANYWHERE I like" and with that he turns around and storms into the camp.

A few minutes later the farmer sees the inspector running thru the camp shouting and screaming with a huge bull coming at him at full speed.

The inspector shouts and waves his arms wildly. When he gets close to the fence the the farmer is standing by he shouts "Help, Heeelp....what can I do?"

The farmer takes another sip of his coffee and shouts back...."quick, show him your card....SHOW him your card"

Katfish

15-09-2011, 20:57

Rickus

16-09-2011, 08:21

Ek het gisteraand Perongeluk Tippex in plaas van Viagra gedrink......

.....ek word toe vanoggend wakker met n moerse korreksie.

Katfish

16-09-2011, 20:12

:amuse:
Ek het gisteraand Perongeluk Tippex in plaas van Viagra gedrink......

.....ek word toe vanoggend wakker met n moerse korreksie.:bigsmile:

TankMaster

29-09-2011, 22:54

Hahhahaha...

216 Posts and nothing constructive..... :D

The only user with negative Rep Power .... :D

Barry.M

30-09-2011, 07:55

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for R300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-Rand notes on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

mydummyname

30-09-2011, 08:08

Hahhahaha...

216 Posts and nothing constructive.....

The only user with negative Rep Power ....

lol i wouldnt feel too bad about that.. someone once gave me a negative rep for wishing them happy birthday lol

Firefly

30-09-2011, 08:18

Hahhahaha...

216 Posts and nothing constructive.....

The only user with negative Rep Power ....
Please explain how this falls into the joke thread?

Blaasie

30-09-2011, 08:26

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

Why do mermaids wear sea-shells?
Because B-shells are too small

.

windfire

05-10-2011, 13:06

my mom sent me this and i couldnt stop laughing, i think its brilliant lol.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced
to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.

ACE007

05-10-2011, 13:11

Granny
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse

and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored, says, "Oh Granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered,

"Facebook..."

Zoom

08-10-2011, 22:00

I've voted this as the funniest joke for 2011:

(the entire) Green Lantern (movie).

Sean J

08-10-2011, 22:28

LOL! That's funny!!

Sean J

09-10-2011, 10:43

I have another great joke...

Best Referee of World Cup 2011: Bryce Lawrence... Pfft...

jedigenie

12-10-2011, 10:31

11034

Too soon?

Zoom

12-10-2011, 10:57

I've voted this as the funniest joke for 2011:

(the entire) Green Lantern (movie).

OK, i retract that previous statement. here is the funniest joke for 2011:

http://www.girlsintechdet.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/blackberry_logo.jpg

Slojo

12-10-2011, 11:50

Black-out-Berry?

GG13

12-10-2011, 11:55

BlackBerry users experience two days of catastrophe as glitches force them to interact face to face

Millions of BlackBerry users in South Africa were plunged into panic on Monday and Tuesday as problems with the smartphone’s operating system rendered their handsets virtually unusable.

Thousands of people were witnessed on public transport staring vacantly at their laps while their hands twitched over an invisible object. “It’s phantom BlackBerry syndrome,” a psychologist diagnosed.Hospitals all over the country were taking strain by Tuesday night as they suffered the fallout from South Africa’s two days of BlackBerry outage.“My eyes, my eyes!” screamed BlackBerry user Twitha Tshabalala, clutching his face as he stumbled through the door of the Emergency Room at Baragwanath.“His retinas haven’t been exposed to a surface wider than 3.25” of pixels in almost two years,” an ophthalmologist explained, leading him away. “It’s very sad.”Tshabalala was just one victim among many, but the negative impacts of the BlackBerry problems were not limited to the medical sphere. Divorce courts countrywide experienced an unprecedented number of high-urgency applications filed over the past 48 hours.“I came home from work on Monday night and I was forced to make eye-contact with my husband for the first time in three years of marriage, because I couldn’t check Facebook on my phone,” said Henriette van Rooyen, 36. “It was as if I was seeing him for the first time, which I think technically it was, and yasses he was kak ugly.”By Tuesday BlackBerry users were reporting impromptu sobbing fits and one in three admitted briefly contemplating taking up a hobby.“Instead I watched Top Billing all the way through, for once, without BBMing anyone,” confessed Prepaid Lekota. “The neighbours found me trying to saw my own head off with a vegetable knife during the second ad break.”

There were positive outcomes to the outage, however. International security experts said the world experienced a day of unprecedented calm on Monday as teenage rioters were unable to mobilise to loot takkie shops and were forced to spend the evening doing their Maths homework. iPhone users worldwide held impromptu street parties and handed out daffodils to strangers, with one saying “I was totally bleak when Steve Jobs died but this seriously makes it all better”.Canadian manufacturers RIM dismissed the operating problems as a storm in a teacup. Irate BlackBerry user Watsap Mokoeng said: “You want to see a Storm in a teacup?” before hurling his handset into a mug of Five Roses.

Sean J

12-10-2011, 12:07

BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Steve Jobs is haunting BlackBerry... It's all his fault!

ACE007

12-10-2011, 12:38

Blackberry users crack berry good jokes :adore:

ACE007

12-10-2011, 12:40

11035

No Job will work for FOOD

Sean J

12-10-2011, 12:49

ACE007 - That's not a joke. That's the truth!! :ridinghorse:

ACE007

12-10-2011, 12:50

The BIS network failed when Chuck Norris sent an SMS on his Blackberry

ACE007

12-10-2011, 12:55

11036
rip!!!

Zoom

12-10-2011, 14:27

And Apple is now celebrating. Finally, Blackberry phones have dropped in performance to match the Apple. They have a chance now...

ACE007

12-10-2011, 14:33

New Dictionary Entry

black·ber·ry /ˈblakˌberē/ verb: to fail or disappoint or not work as expected (blackberried, blackberrying)

ACE007

12-10-2011, 15:33

11038
What are you Doing?

Newby

13-10-2011, 11:20

What did the one Blackberry user say to the other one?........NOTHING

ACE007

13-10-2011, 12:45

All we need is for IPhones to start playing up and we would have had the dream headline that would have made anyone's mouth water:

Apple and Blackberry Crumble

ACE007

13-10-2011, 12:54

I buy a iPad and Steve Jacobs dies
I buy a Blackberry and BBM Dies
Does Malema sell anything you guys???

Wyvren

13-10-2011, 13:41

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

Wyvren

13-10-2011, 13:43

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/2083/29483210150404747395250.jpg

Neville

13-10-2011, 14:00

Wyvren

13-10-2011, 14:12

Heheh yea just had to share that one, its my fav so far for the year

Wyvren

04-11-2011, 08:56

And for those of you who haven't seen it yet:
Do a google search in chrome or a new FF for:
do a barrel roll - then press enter.

Zoom

04-11-2011, 13:37

Courtesy of Sasha Martaningo (sp??)

Let me tell you a story. The story involves a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat...

One day on the edge of a river bank, a fly is sitting on a branch 3 inches away from the water's edge. The sun was beating down hard this fine day, and the fly was starting to feel rather hot. The fly thought to himself:
"If I move down 3 inches towards the water, I will feel the cool water lapping against my feet and I will cool down."

A fish swimming nearby though to himself:
"If that fly came down just 3 inches, I could grab him and eat him up."

A bear laying the in grass nearby thought to himself:
"If that fly went down just 3 inches, the fish would grab him, and I would be able to grab the fish and eat him up."

A hunter sitting a few meters away was eating his cheese sandwich and thought to himself:
"If that fly went down 3 inches, the fish would grab him, the bear would come out of hiding to grab the fish, and i could shoot the bear and have a proper meal tonight."

A mouse scampering past the hunter hoping for a morsel of cheese thought to himself:
"If that fly went down 3 inches, the fish would grab him, the bear would come out of hiding to grab the fish, the hunter would drop his sandwich to shoot the bear, and I could eat his cheese."

And finally, a cat sitting in a branch watching this whole ordeal pan out in front of her thought to herself:
"If that fly went down just 3 inches, the fish would grab him, the bear would come out of hiding to grab the fish, the hunter would drop his lunch to shoot the bear, the mouse would be distracted with the cheese, and I could catch the mouse."

SUDDENLY:

The fly moved down 3 inches, the fish grabbed the fly to eat him, the bear came out of hiding to grab the fish, the hunter dropped his sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse grabbed the cheese and the cat launched herself at the mouse. The mouse was cunning though, having been aware of the cat for most of the day, he ducked as the cat launched herself, so she missed the mouse and fell into the water and drowned.

BUT WAIT:

There is a MORAL to this story:

EVERY TIME A FLY MOVES DOWN JUST A MERE 3 INCHES, THERES A PU$$Y NEARBY THAT'S GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE!

ivan

04-11-2011, 13:54

that blackberry pic is awesome!!

Gert Combrink

14-12-2011, 20:37

Sorry, this one only make sense in Afrikaans.
Die ou is gedrink, kort getroud, maar begin weer rondkyk. Hy sien toe 'n prossie.
Hy het nie geld nie, maar vra haar vir 'n knippie inruil vir sy trouring.
Die volgende oggend is hy babbies, toe sy vrou vir hom vra waar sy trouring is.
Hy weet dat sy hom elke keer uitvang as hy lieg en antwoord dus as volg:
"Ek het hom weggesteek!"

DarylA

15-12-2011, 06:45

Two aliens are sitting in a bar, one turns to the other and says "Beep.. Bip.. Baap.. Bidi.. Bidi.. Bidi.. Brrrrrr.. Baaaa.. Bip.. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The other alien stares at him with a blank look on his face and says "Shut up Bob... You are drunk!"

AquaAddict

15-12-2011, 08:12

......
12122

AquaAddict

15-12-2011, 11:22

One more because it is a long weekend ahead - planning on putting this on my wall!
12124

AquaAddict

15-12-2011, 17:33

Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is
of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat
one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's
best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer
thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up
off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake
tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the
bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

GG13

19-12-2011, 08:12

Tequila Christmas Cake
I've printed this one out...
I'm definitely going to give it a try :D Hahahaha!

psychosid

22-12-2011, 09:44

MUST READ

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

robin r

22-12-2011, 09:56

Hahaha. Thats epic

AquaAddict

22-12-2011, 11:04

... who goes there ....
12252

Vissie

22-12-2011, 19:47

Hoe vloek n vis?
Ploes!!!

AquaAddict

23-12-2011, 17:21

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem is who should get custody of the child. The wife jumps up and says: “Your Honour, I brought the child into the wolrd with pain and labour. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in your defence?” The man sits for a while contemplating, then slowly rises. “Your Honour, if I place R5 in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it – the machine’s or mine?”

Franna

09-01-2012, 07:11

Admins Please delete this if you are not happy with this. Thanks
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/header.jpg
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/1-1.jpg
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/2.jpg
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/3.jpg
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/4.jpg
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/5.jpg
http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p30/Francois_1616/end.jpg

azurekoi

13-01-2012, 21:20

Making plans for a motorised,radio controlled version... My loaches need to see the world...he,he...

12747

AquaAddict

16-01-2012, 11:48

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Wyvren

16-01-2012, 15:51

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/daily-morning-awesomeness-201.jpg

SalmonAfrica

16-01-2012, 16:22

Wyvren :blink1:

http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii168/SalmonAfrica/IMG_8414.jpg

Wyvren

16-01-2012, 16:33

LOL Thanks for that SalmonAfrica :P A friend emailed me the image so I had to share :P

Wyvren

19-01-2012, 09:09

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6ntDYjS0Y3w

AquaAddict

19-01-2012, 14:50

A guy was in the restaurant when he suddenly realized he desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at him....

Then suddenly he remembered that he was listening to his iPod.

Corne

19-01-2012, 17:29

My new plant growth is amazing I moved the Nano tank to my wives bed stand, want sy is altyd vol k@k

?

windfire

19-01-2012, 21:48

FreshWater thats hilerious pmpl.

Wyvren love it, star wars is a classic!

OscaCT

19-01-2012, 22:01

12875
http://gigglesandgags.com/fish-gender/

Razer2007

21-01-2012, 16:42

Old men
An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . . . never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid!

Rory

26-01-2012, 12:36

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks "What does that mean?"

He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.

morris

26-01-2012, 12:47

very funny

windfire

26-01-2012, 13:18

a young woman was pulled over for speeding in Nashville Tennesee by a tenesee state trooper, the trooper walked up to her car flicking open his ticket book. when he reached her window the young woman asked, " are you going to sell me a ticket to the Tenesee state trooper ball?" the Trooper replied " ma'am the tenesee state troopers dont have any balls."

there was a moment of silence as he realised what he'd said then he flipped his book closed got back into his patrol car and drove away. the woman was laughing so hard she couldnt start her car :-D

AquaAddict

30-01-2012, 07:53

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said "I think its Petry Syndrome." The old man said "You thought.... but you are wrong." Then the other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him "Well, what do you have?" The old man said "I thought it was a FART... but I was WRONG."

AquaAddict

03-02-2012, 10:15

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."