View Full Version : Some real funny jokes
Ok oakes....here's a thread we can post our funny jokes in.
Here's my first.....simply brilliant I think :p
Why men’s letters to Dear Abby are never published
Dear Abby
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and
why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came
home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that was when I
noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?
Thanks, - Boeta.
LoL you right its simlpy brilliant
Jacob Zuma was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below..
Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to the Aquarium in Cape Town ' Jacob said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special President's aeroplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want seasonal rugby tickets.' Jacob said, 'I'll get them for you and even have the teams sign memorabilia for you!'
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Jacob was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!
Philfarm
08-05-2009, 15:55
Ha ha very funny Dale, you'v got the best joke here...
And its in your pants:p
Funny phil
Ever wondered why I can't swim properly? too much weight bru ;)
lol
:rofl: you guys should put an age restriction on this thread :) :) Sharp, very sharp!!!! :):)
Which came first?
Feminism or Ugly women?
Recently, I saw an article about Americans sending their old clothes over to the poor in Africa.
Pointless, I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
Hopw you enjoy
SalmonAfrica
29-07-2009, 17:50
A New Zealander is in South Africa, on one of the major roads on the way to the next city for the next rugby game. However, his car breaks down, so he begins to walk down the road to look for help.
Two hours into walking, he begins to feel faint, because he has had nothing to drink for all this time. By his luck, he sees a dam on a farm in the distance and makes his way towards it. As soon as he gets to the water, he drops to his knees and, handful by handful, slurps up the water.
The owner of the farm sees this man drinking, approaches him and says:
"Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak"
The man looks up at him confused and says:
"Sorry, I'm from New Zealand, I can't understand what you're saying"
So the farmer replies:
"Oh I see. Use both hands"
Gilbertr14
29-07-2009, 19:07
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why such a long face?"
hehe i like the canadian joke
High-wash
29-07-2009, 19:09
agreed Speedz ;)
A guy comes to the doctor and tell him he wants to become an Irishman. The doctor looks at him and tell him "That is a very delicate operation, as we have to remove 1/4 of your brain for that"
The guy says it's ok, as he really wants to be Irish.
So the op goes ahead. The guy wakes up after the op with the doctor leaning over him with a very worried look on his face saying "We have made a terrible mistake sir. We have unfortunately removed 3/4 of your brain instead of the intended 1/4"
"Aw, don't worry mate. Where is my shiela" the guy says
Hopefully not to offensive ...
A cabbie picks up a Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driverstarts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK..
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH, nasty!!
This one should be rated PG:
LoL Donny - that was great!
butcherman
30-07-2009, 12:57
good one slagter
heres some more
America: putting the oops into troops.
"A three-year-old girl in the US state of California has accidentally shot her younger brother dead with a gun found in her home, say police. "
One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two put together.
How does an American change a light bulb?
Holds it under the socket and expects the world to revolve around him
How does an American change a light bulb?
Holds it under the socket and expects the world to revolve around him
Why couldn't the American woman play violin?
She didn't know which chin to stick it under.
FACT
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: Maybe its time the U.S. pull out of Washington?
The new Airbus aeroplane, the A380, is capable of holding 800 Passengers. Or 400 Americans.
Supposedly Real 911 Calls.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Supposedly Real 911 Calls.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
*********************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a
bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
*********************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
*********************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
*********************************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Hope you enjoy
Gilbertr14
04-08-2009, 11:04
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!
A termite walks into a bar, sits down and says: "Is the bar tender here?"
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a CurryCook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicyand, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whowanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like Ihave been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Getme more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chillian aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on itfrom the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pissesme off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, andgarlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to crap myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need towipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage thatI am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not gettingany oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not toobold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mildnor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot curry?
hehehehe - that was brilliant!
LMAO - many times - need to wipe the tears away .. :)
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives...
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare
notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the
end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather
coat... When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I
had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was
so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and
there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday,he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work,
he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman,
what's for dinner?
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
:eviltongue:
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